~ Saya Gemok ~

I just realized that my shape is getting worse. My butt is bigger than two coconuts put together. My waist looks like a baobab tree trunk and the thighs are much alike a rhino's drumsticks! Worst of all, I cannot fit into my skinny jeans. I bought 2 pairs of jeans at Forever 21 in October with different cutting. I wear the first one and ignore the other one deciding to keep it for later. Last week, while I was doing some packing for a vacation in Langkawi, I tried on some clothes and found out a shocking truth that I couldn't pull the new jeans up to my hip! That's suck! It was just 1 1/2 months away.. Later I tried the other jeans and pants and they too couldn't fit into my bulging stomach and the bigger-than-ever ass.

At the end of the day, I went straight to The Store and bought me a new pair of jeans from Voir. I promised myself to get back into shape soon enough so I can dress stylishly in my beloved (currently unfitted) Guess / Levi's / Forever 21 pair of jeans. Currently, for the fat moment, the local one will do.. Uwaaaaaaa...

~ 2 Become 1 ~

I merged my 2nd blog on blogger with the one on friendster.
But still.. I'm missing my 1st blog, which has hundreds of entries back in 2003 up to 2005
I was actively blogging at that time :)
Feel stupid that I deleted them all..
I even deleted the account back then.
It's gone.. Kaput!

Better it be that way, it was full with miserable stories, heartbroken and all.
New title, new page, new url
But it's the same old me..

~ MeLaWaN KeSePiaN ~

On the same day after I had a bad dream (refer to previous entry), I heard a song by Dato' Siti. It was played on the radio while I was on my way to town with hubby. I never heard this song before but considered that I was still emotional and not fully recovered, I cried for the 2nd time on that day. Hubby was worried and urged me to stop thinking about the dream. Here's the lyric:

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata tertahan
Waktu untuk dijatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apa pun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan...
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti

~ A DeAd WiFe ~

I had this weird dream 2 weeks ago and it still haunts me somehow. You know how messy dreams might be but I could still remember this one with a vivid detail... It started with a scene where Haley and Nathan from One Tree Hill TV Series talking (I had no idea why they were in the dream...) and suddenly it changed to a scene by the lake.

I saw a man sitting on a rock staring blankly into the calm water from afar. He looked sad and lost in his own thoughts. He didn't even realize when I came near him, so I said hi. He responded by turning his head and then back again gazing into the glassy water. I asked him why he's sitting there all alone. He cried and said, "My wife is dead, I miss her so much but I'm only left with the memories of her. It's so hard living without her, wanting to see her again but I know it's impossible."

Without any respect for his feeling, I asked again whether he wanted to marry or maybe fall in love with someone new and he replied with a short answer, "It's not easy to forget her..."

I left and by keeping some distance, I watched him for quite some time. I could feel the sorrow and deep down inside I wished to know him better and help to ease his pain. Then, I woke up in tears...

Here comes the weird part. The man is actually my husband, Zul. He didn't recognize me and I myself saw him as someone that I didn't know in the dream. I was in the dream but the talking and seeing were through somebody's else body. Although people says dreams are just "mainan tidur" but still I can't help myself to stop thinking and replaying it in my mind over and over again. Does it mean that I die? Does the girl talking to Zul is someone new who will replace me?! It was traumatic to see his face crying over my death and that was the worst part of all...

Despite of a bad dream, it made me realize to always think about death... Kita didatangkan dari Allah dan kepada Dia juga kita dikembalikan. So we need to cherish and spend time with our loved ones as much as we can because tomorrow is not a promise.

May Allah bless both of us and our loved ones with healthy long life. Amin.

~ A BuN iN tHe OvEn?!! ~

There's a question most newlyweds need to answer once they've been married for more than 2 months:

"Dah ade ke?!"

It's normal for some people, normally the old folks to ask this kind of question to the newlyweds months after the wedding. But for the opposite, it might be a sensitive topic which ends up with a slight smile as the only answer or a big-wide grin as a sign to a good news they've been waiting to announce.

For me, the answer is still NO and I hope this will clear up all the question marks on everyone's head (friends who keep asking..) I'd love to start a family with the man I love right at this moment in order to make our life complete as a whole.. To be honest, I envy every new parents with their cute newborn babies cuddled in their arms. I can see and feel their happiness and I'd love to be one of them as soon as possible..

But the timing doesn't really give me too many options. Being hundreds miles away from hubby has made me hesitate to be pregnant or should I say, I'm afraid to be one! It's not that I don't want a baby but for me, to be pregnant with a first child is a precious moment of your life both to the father and mother. We can't repeat the special moments of finding out that you're pregnant, the frequent visits to clinic with hubby tagging along, the eagerness of welcoming a new addition to the family, the window shopping for the baby stuff, etc..

In simpler words, I don't want to experience my pregnancy with the absence of a husband, I want him to be with me from the very beginning until the end of it. I want him to soothe me after the morning sickness, rub my back when I'm not in the mood. How should he do that if we only managed to meet every 2-3 times a month?! I couldn't imagine how emo I can be..

For now, the plan of expanding Mr Don's clan needs to be postponed until I completed my courses in Bangi by the end of 2008. InsyaAllah, with the God's will, 2009 will be a good year for us to start a family. May God bless us, Amin..

~ JuNe: ThE pOsT mOrTeM & A tOuGh BeGinNinG ~

Note: This entry is closely related to the last entry, it's better to be read after the last one..

Alhamdulillah.. May has ended and it's a wrap for all of the anticipated events that I listed before. Everything happened according to the plan and went so well the way they should be. Now, it's time for me to slow down and relax, look back and put it into words so I can recall some of the best moments / memories which have changed my life.

1. I've reported my duty last 2nd of May and I'm slowly adjusting and adapting to the new environment. I think I'm going to like it here and it'll not be a problem to work until I turn 58! Hubby wants me to consider a transfer to Alor Star but it'll take some time, it's a tedious and risky process after all. Meanwhile, I'm trying lobbying him to transfer to Penang / SP but for now we'll have to wait and see who's going to follow who in another 1 - 2 years..
2. I've got my new car on 29th April and being clumsy as I am, I already hit something resulted with very long and visible scratches. On the other hand, my driving skills have improved and finally I can give the driving license a good use! It's funny that I never pay much attention to traffic reports on the radio before but I do now, they really help!
3. The greatest events are the Akad Nikah Ceremony followed by Wedding Receptions. Last 17th of May, I'm officially called Puan Ikhlas. Even though the sound of ‘Puan' is not as good as what I feel but I'm glad we ended married to each other after 5 ½ years being together as a couple. It's a greatest feeling of all time. Both wedding receptions were superb, but I slightly regret for not having much time to spend with all friends who came by on my special day. Being the bride and groom was a hell lot of fun and pressure too, people wanting us from every direction and it was a really busy day. Busy with smiling, waving, greeting and posing!! We have cool photographers that I consider as friends who made the photo sessions became less intense and more relax. There're thousands of shots Zul & I had to choose from before I continue with the editing and artwork. Yes, the bride does the editing by herself, HeHe.. Lots of thanks to Mr Arie Gaban (http://ariegaban.fotopages.com), Mikagami (http://www.mohdalhafiz.com) and Asmady (http://www.studioaston.com) for all the great photos! (Still waiting from Asmady for his great captures!). One more thing, Zul and I were proud to wear all the attires designed and tailored by Abah!
4. Our honeymoon / vacation were postponed to August since I can't get any leave and I'm going to be in Bangi for 2 months, away from hubby. I'm sure I'm going to be miserable for the whole 2 months starting next 2 days, Uwaaaaaaa!! I guess this entry is a way of saying goodbye to friendster too. I'm going to be inactive for the next couple of months and it really sucks. A really tough beginning for the newly weds, sob.. sob.. sob..
   

I think I'm ready for anything. Ready to be a good wife, ready to be apart from hubby, ready to discover a new life after marriage and ready to fully commit with my new job. All I need is to be tough and put a little more patience in me in order for better things to comes. Till then..

~ mAy: ThE LiFe-ChAnGinG mOnTh ~

April is coming to an end and I'm so excited for May to come. Why? Because it's a month full of drastic changes which will affect my so-called ordinary & boring life..

1. I'm going to report my duty (new job, yeay!) by 2nd of May. Finally I'll become a government servant. Ops! almost actually, it's just a statutory body. To be honest I'm so excited about it, not about the work but the $$$, HeHe.. I know I sound stupid but previously, working in a small company for almost 2 years had made me envies others. My previous salaries were not high (the title of semi-senior audit / account sounds too good to the ears but the pays really suck!) and all I can say is, factory operators who work OT, days & nights can get almost the same as me. Upon arrival of the offer letter, I was pretty dumbstruck just by looking at the numbers, it's almost triple than I got paid before! Sungguh jakun saya kali ni.. Alhamdulillah rezeki nak kawen agaknya and berkat doa all of my loved ones! I feel relieved that I'll be able to provide a better life for mama + abah and also lessen the burden on hubby dalam bab nafkah zahir dan duniawi, HeHe.. Psstt!! Don, I'll treat you KFC everyday, u like them so much don't you?!
2. In the 1st week of May I'm going to own a car for myself. Before this Abah was willing to send / fetch me everyday to / from work. In order to save money for the things I want, I buried down the thoughts of buying a car, yelah gaji tak seberapa kan.. When the parents offered, why not?! It's less hassle because I don't need to think about petrol and maintenance costs (sungguh jahat aku nih!). Starting in May, I need to work in Bkt Mertajam which is 40km from SP. Aiyoo, I don't drive often and the license has been too long hiding in my purse with complete ignorance. I really need to sharpen my driving skills and also learn to be independent ASAP (this is the bad side of being the only child, it's hard to be independent!). Petrol, tol & maintenance cost?!! Uwaaaaa, lucky me for not buying big and expensive car, it's just a Viva. We should support our national car, HeHe :P
3. The most important event of the month: I will marry the man I love on the 17th. There's no way I can explain how I'm feeling right now. We both are getting mushier by the days! Lovey dovey tak hengat! Even the last time he called mentioning that he just bought a family insurance for the two of us has made me touched and cried. I just can't believe that I'm going to be someone's wife in less than a month! Bahagia betul orang nak kawen nih, hopefully we'll last forever and this is going to be my own version of fairy tales for future-grandchildren! Contrary to the 'aahh I'm going to get married' happy thoughts, it's sad to think that our plan to decorate our house in Alor Setar is postponed to an unknown date. 1 year, 2 years or 3 years later?! A temporary solution is living separately and meet on weekends, me in SP with parents and hubby with his in AS. If we really miss each other, I guess we can meet during weekdays but it'll be tiring to go back and forth with long hour drive. I can't think of this it'll make me sad..
4. End of May will be our first vacation together, it's the honeymoon! Our original plan is to go outside Malaysia, Bali perhaps but seem the plan need to be postponed too. How should I apply for leave when I don't even know whether I'm entitled for 2-3 days off before & after the wedding. I'm the junior, remember?! I'd be grateful if I managed to get a day off before and after the receptions. Thus, honeymoon will only take place on weekend a week after both receptions, We'll leave on Friday after work and be back on Sunday evening. Kinda a short vacation but it's OK, we'll plan another trip in December, hopefully I can get a week off. But for now we both aim for Langkawi, less time to travel, beautiful view and we also had good memories the last time we went there with friends :)
   

In order to get a better life, better future and good career ahead for both of us & parents, there are things which need to be changed and sacrified. I think I'm OK with that, I'm willing to accept the difficulties and challenges living away from hubby. I also hope the process of learning to be independent & become tolerate, less stubborn will make me a better person in the eyes of my loved ones and also to others. May God helps me as always..

~ ThE eNd iS CoMiNg ~

The day is coming and I'm so thrilled!! Nope, I'm not talking about the wedding, it's the last working day at my current workplace. After almost 2 years everything's gonna end in less than 10 days. Should I feel sad? No. Should I feel happy? Hell, I am! Hmmm.. but maybe a bit sad to leave 1-2 good colleagues but the rest is a total freedom..

Everybody starts leaving after new year.. Izs, Mas and Rita have already started their new lifes, Tini will leave 2 days before me, 2 weeks after is TLK and YHK will follow in a month later. There's nothing much to loose if I choose to stay except the keep changing new faces and triple workloads that need to be covered when people resign. One more thing, l don't have to go through the busiest peak time ever of the year this coming April - August and that's a big relief, Yeay!!

In the meantime, I'm just worried if I don't get a new job ASAP or at least by June. Deep down inside I'm still hoping to get a job with LHDN eventhough getting it means being apart from hubby-to-be, but that's a sacrifice I'd make for a better career and future. If the result is out by April and I don't make it, I guess I really need to concentrate on finding a job in Mr Don's hometown. On the positive side there's no worries on being weekend husband and wife!

I better start making a to-do list so I can be occupied for the whole 7 weeks before the wedding!! Oooooo, I'm so excited!!

~ PeOPle CaN bE sO wEirD ~

Why people sometimes like to be so judgemental and bias toward others?! It is more sad when they make conclusions based on the surface without knowing the truth or at least knowing the person..

Gossips, observation from afar, or should I say browsing someone's profile online wouldn't give you any justification. Although nowadays more people prefer less privacy by exposing their life through pictures and blogs entries on the virtual world, that wouldn't portray 100% of someone's life. There's a lot more in real life to be interpreted before you can label / judge a person.

After a long time, I did find out recently that the hatred might still be there. I thought by choosing to hide myself away / be low profile for the past 3 months would make someone stop saying bad things about me, but it didn't. I guess it'll never stop. It's not my right to judge that person either but I just can't stop wondering, what's the purpose?!

Nonetheless, I prefer to continue what I've done best for the last 3 months. I think I've made a very wise decision and my life couldn't be much happier. Lucky me to find out about this one thing (even if there's more, let it be..), at least I know that I've been on a clean slate long time ago and it's not my fault anymore if someone didn't..

~ iMaGinE by JoHn LeNNoN ~

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

~ The 'No' and The 'Yes' ~

What happen when the 'No' is actually means 'Yes'?! Does it called being dishonest? Does it give impact on our life? Does it matter?

If u asked me a few months ago, I'd probably say it is indeed being dishonest, in fact it really matters and will give impact on our life.. Nowadays, my perception has changed a little bit. I'd say it does not matter anymore. People always say things which are not truly from their hearts. They tend to say things depend on situations which sometimes are good and on the other hands it might lead to something bad. We can't blame these people or even ourselves since every one of us has our own reasons to do that. If we needed a clarification for everything we do or other people do to us, it will be an endless story.

The important part is whether the truth should be accepted or not. If we knew the truth without even need to hear a 'Yes' or 'No' for an answer, just don't bother for clarifications why the 'No' is actually 'Yes' or why the 'Yes' means 'No'.. You see, truths will always be truths, a statement wouldn't change them.

For my scenario, I got a 'No' for an answer which is supposed to be 'Yes'. But since I already figured out the truth, I decided to accept it because it does not matter anymore and it won't affect my life in future. Who cares when the 'No' is actually means 'Yes' since it's merely a statement.. The answer is with you..

~ The Good and The Bad ~

I believe I'm better since da last emo entry.. It's been months now and no more emo, no more sadness, no more heart feeling.. Since I've made up my decision to take all those steps, now I'm finally at ease.. I shud haf started dat earlier, stupid me!

Life is gud.. I'm counting da days till my wedding in May.. But to be honest I'm quite scared and sad.. Scared dat I'm not really ready to be a wife and sad to be living away from my parents soon enuff.. I noe I shudn't feel dat way bcoz I'll be only 45-minutes-away from them.. But still it'll be hard for me to live without them being around 24/7.. Being da only child has made me attached to them since I was young.. They're da reason I'm staying in my hometown.. I rather forget all the fun living in big cities bcoz being wif them already made me happy..

There's only one thing which is not gud in my life rite now, it's my job.. Actually da job is OK but I cudn't stand da politics and da bad 'aura' going around in my workplace.. I planned to stay for at least 3 years to get my professional qualification but at dis moment I cudn't see myself working here for another 6 months.. Huaarrrggggggggghhhh!! I hate it.. I'm totally stressed wif da workload and da negative aura sorrounding me.. I'm still confused wif what shud I do rite now.. May God give me da answers.. Amin..