~ Freedom ~

I've been emotionally unstable 4da past 5 months.. Kejap ok, kejap tak ok.. At one point I can forget but on da other it seems like I can't.. It was such a big blow 4me but yeah, I'm learning to accept it even tho it'll take some times. Da past is da past, let bygones be bygones.. I dun wanna stuck like dis 4ever, there's so much more to come. I better embrace what I haf and move on like nothing happened.. Future is more important compared to da past..

Ur head says dat u are absolutely recovered but ur heart may say no.. Da scar is still there, there's nothing can be done and no one to be blamed to.. I'm da one who has da power to stop it.. So I've decided enuf is enuf.. I've got the eliminate everything dats makes me annoyed / sad / angry / etc..

1st step, by setting my profile to private. I dun want any unwanted person dropping by and grab da oppurtunity to use it by scrutinizing every little thing I do.. It's so annoying, really.. I never haf an intention to show off when I upload any pic on my frenster, it's just 4fun and 4myself.. Never mind if I just go holidays around da neighbourhood or even abroad, but hey dis is my page.. As long I'm happy and never disturb others then what's wif da bitching?! I dun haf so much money 2go travel around malaysia, anything dat makes me happy I'll go 4 it..

I haf my mistakes too.. Starting from now on, I will never wander 2places I shudn't be.. By doing dat it'll hurt me more, knowing people bitching and talk bad things about me.. Connecting to da related people who got me into dis mess wudn't do any better.. For my own good, I made promises to myself & to him dat I'll help myself to fully recover.. for a better me.. I believe I can make it :)

~ I'm Lost ~

At 1st everything was so gud. Da eagerness was still there, da fresh feeling lingered in every moment of it. It was da new world to be explored, learned and experienced. I always stay calm and faced every obstacles wif patience, head held high. I remembered feeling on da top of da world when hard efforts being recognised and made me wanna do better. Being positive really did help me a lot.. Nowadays, all da glory and gud feeling is no more wif me. My ducks in a row haf been scattered along da way and I'm lost. Lost of hope, lost of confidence, lost of positive thinking and worse, lost of focus..

My so-called perfect plan is not really workin' bcoz I can't see myself in future being someone dat I planned to be. Does 24 is too early or am I too late to change my future? It's good to see people around me started to get their pieces fit together but in da same time I'm so frustrated bcoz mine were still looping here and there. What to do? Fate is in God's hand but it is up to da person to change it for a better. Da question is, do I need to change da path dat I'm currently taking? Or shud I be patient and stay for a bit longer?! I'm so lost..

~ I'm Lost ~

At 1st everything was so gud. Da eagerness was still there, da fresh feeling lingered in every moment of it. It was da new world to be explored, learned and experienced. I always stay calm and faced every obstacles wif patience, head held high. I remembered feeling on da top of da world when hard efforts being recognised and made me wanna do better. Being positive really did help me a lot.. Nowadays, all da glory and gud feeling is no more wif me. My ducks in a row haf been scattered along da way and I'm lost. Lost of hope, lost of confidence, lost of positive thinking and worse, lost of focus..

My so-called perfect plan is not really workin' bcoz I can't see myself in future being someone dat I planned to be. Does 24 is too early or am I too late to change my future? It's good to see people around me started to get their pieces fit together but in da same time I'm so frustrated bcoz mine were still looping here and there. What to do? Fate is in God's hand but it is up to da person to change it for a better. Da question is, do I need to change da path dat I'm currently taking? Or shud I be patient and stay for a bit longer?! I'm so lost..

~ HeadLines ~

The time is now or never, to fit the missing piece
To take this on together, you make me feel complete
We fall into the future, and through the looking glass
The light shines over our heads, and so it comes to pass

To go beyond the surface, to reach into your soul
This love is not demanding, my heart has told me so
I hold onto my heroes, with faith enough to fly
The power to imagine, will keep this love alive

Chorus:
Let's make the headlines, loud and true
I wanna tell the world I'm giving it all to you
Let's make the headlines, loud and clear
The best things suddenly happen when you are here
And if I lost my way you'd carry me home
Take me all the way to heaven, never leave me alone
And it's just like everything matters when you are near

And it feels so good every bells gonna ring
Your love is alive and it's making me sing
I could fly, wanna cry, want the whole world to know
We are together, come on baby let's go

And words yet to be spoken
Will fall upon the page
Spelling out true devotion
Is all we need to say

Chorus:
Let's make the headlines, loud and true
(Say you love me and I'll say I love you too)
I wanna tell the world I'm giving it all to you
(Just remember what simple words can do)
Let's make the headlines, loud and clear
(All that I have I give to you my friend)
The best things suddenly happen when you are here
(Just remember friendship never ends)
And if I lost my way you'd carry me home
Take me all the way to heaven, never leave me alone (everything)
And it's just like everything matters when you are near (matters when you're near)
(Say you love me and I'll say I love you too)

Chorus:
Let's make the headline true this time
(Just remember what simple words can do)
There's no hiding from this magical state of mind
(I feel loved with you, I feel loved with you)
And if I lost my way you'd carry me home (I know, you take me, all the way to heaven)
Take me all the way to heaven, never leave me alone (everything)
And it's just like everything matters when you are near (matters when you're near)
(Everything matters, it really matters)

Lets make the headlines, loud and true
(I feel loved with you, I feel loved)
Lets make the headlines

‘Cause I'm giving it all
Yeah I'm giving it all to you

~ HaTe ThaT I LoVe 2 ~

I love dis song so much.. really like it.. I'm in da mood of love bebeh :)

"But I hate it.. You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you..For too long that's wrong"

"And I hate how much I love you boy..
I can't stand how much I need you..
And I hate how much I love you boy..
But I just can't let you go..
And I hate that I love you so.."

Keep it in ur heart dat I'll always be there.. I'll keep lovin' u even if one day u'd stop doin' da same.. No matter what happen I'll stay.. bcoz dat's my nature..

~ HaTe ThaT I LoVe ~

[Rihanna:]
As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

[Ne-Yo:]
Yeaahhh... Oohh...

[Rihanna:]
As much I love you (as much as I need you)
As much as I need you (oooh..)
As much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so...

~ BeYoNd ThE eXpEcTaTiOn ~

I've gone too far this time.. It's beyond my expectation and it's already considered unhealthy. I lost 10 kgs in less than 6 months and it's crazy. At first I thought it was an achievement, yep it was. I started at 53kg and my goal was to reach 46kg. Time passes by and the target achieved, but then the numbers keep dropping and now I'm at 42.5kg, I'm totally underweight!!

What I've done wrong? I didn't really notice that I keep loosing weight because I was happy enough to be at 45kg. I didn't adopt any unhealthy or strict diet, I did enough research so I won't get into those California, Atkins, etc. I eat anything I want, carbohydrate, fat, protein but of course in moderation.. What I do is to follow my workout routine which involve muscles training + weight lifting + skipping which I do 2-3 times a week, it's not considered excessive right?!.. The most important thing, I never throw up after each meal, that means I'm not having an aneroxia / bulimia problem, thanks God..

I've done this before but the total weight loss was only 8 kgs and not to forget I started at 55kg but it was 3 years ago.. Whatever it is I gotta find a way to gain some more, maybe 45kg so I'll look healthy again..

It's hard being a girl, it's not the issue on what people perceive on our look, it's just how our mind is working differently. We want to be pretty for ourselves, wanting to satisfy our own need which something can jeopardize something else.. I need to be normal again and not look like a skinny girl who has an incurable disease.. HuHu..

~ ThE HoPe HaS bEeN ShATteReD ~

What I've done wrong dat everything turns out to be like dis?! I haf a heart like everybody does, but why some people think it's up for a game.. They took it for granted.. Why they think I wudn't be touched wif wat happen around me, do they think my heart is made of stone?! How strong someone cud become, da heart will always remain a fragile thing.. It applies to any human beings..

Heart broken can't be mend wif words, neither can't be mend wif forgiveness nor actions.. Only time will heal.. In da meantime, how one will survive if there's no timeline given?! It cud be 1 minute, 1 day, 1 month, 1 year or maybe forever..

I'm fighting wif my own will to go on wif my life even tho da hope has been shattered again and again.. May God gives me enuff strength to go on living.. Amen..

~ ThE PiEcEs DoN't FiT aNyMoRe ~

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching us fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Coz I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore


** When will it end?!!

~ ThE PaInTeD CaNvAs ~

The white canvas has been touched

It was painted with colors, mostly red & black

I really want it to be blank, plain & white

Untouched in it's original state..

Yet it has been unintentionally painted

I can't reverse it so I made changes

I painted the whole canvas with white oil

I thought I will feel better but it's not

Nobody wouldn't notice the differences

Yet I'm the one who holds the truth

There's nothing I can do except learning to accept it

After all, black and red are a nice combination..

Life without colors will not be called a life..

Aja.. Aja.. Fighting!!

~ 2 Separate Worlds ~

There's a lot of things going on in my mind 'n they made me feel dizzy. Do I feel sad? Yes.. Do I feel happy? Yes.. Which one I like the most? Both..

At some certain points in my life when things are always sunny, it is so bright dat I wish for some heavy rain to pour.. But when da days are too wet, I wanted so hard da sunlight to shine down on me again.. Weird huh?! I have my reasons..

When things are not on da rite way, I have the opportunities to scream, shout, weep, angry, kicking ass and being moody as hell 'n I don't need to even care about others.. It is da time for me to be lost 'n alone into my own world..

On da brighter day, I can be da other me.. Living life to da fullest, savoring every little taste of joy, laughing my heart out, 'n da best, being surrounded by the loved ones. It's priceless..

Yup, we should not live a life full with dark paths, neither we shud in a life full of gems.. A little bit of both, here 'n there will give us the perfect life.. Still, I don't want a perfect life, I just want to separate my world into 2.. for me.. 'n for my loved ones..

Complicated? Yes, I am..

~ Gud Ol' Days ~

I really miss da gud ol' days back in school.. Da days when I was so young anything seemed so easy.. Forget all da puppy loves, crushes 'n fights, life is just easier without any responsibility.. They were da days I cud do anything without giving so much tots over it but still enjoyed them so much.. Any mistake was considered a lesson, later, life went on as usual and the lesson learned.. But when I get older, it's getting harder to act basically on my instinct anymore 'coz it's too risky.. There are others' feeling dat need to be taken care of.. Mistakes will eventually set the loved ones away..

~ 4 iN ThE mOrNinG ~

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright..

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in it's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
And all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till 4 in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
And all I know is
You got to give me everything
And nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till 4 in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have

Give you everything..
Give you all of me..