~ Damsel in Distress ~

Wow!! Suddenly I get this urge to write again.. Maybe I'm having too much going on in my head I need to let it go or maybe, I just really want to write.. It's weird because my stories are always the negative ones rather than positive or happy thoughts. I guess things that make me happy are getting fewer and fewer nowadays. I have my loved ones around me yet I'm lonely and I don't know why from day to day I'm feeling that I've become a worst person than I was before and it's not a good sign, isn't it?? I'm having problems with myself or to be exact, my inner self. Couples of years ago I found a scratch on my dad's notebook (I'm pretty sure he didn't want it to be found but I keep it silent until now) sounded "I'm lonely even though I have you and your mother.." Honestly I was pretty shocked at that time and I didn't understand why he felt that way but now I know because I'm in the same situation. I feel lonely and isolated even though I have my family and my boyfriend around me all the time.. I don't know what I want but sometime I feel like I'm hopeless and too depending on others (mmm, actually others mean my boyfriend). I don't have many friends, I mean I have some but few that I'm really connected with. I'm not picky it's just that I don't feel comfortable with someone whom I don't share anything in common. Does getting older make me feels like this?? I'm only 23 and it's considered young and healthy.. but why I've become a girl or should I say a woman or a lady succumb to her own evil inner thoughts?? I keep having thoughts that I will be left alone and feeling suspicious that my boyfriend is not in love with me anymore. I have thrown a lot of tantrums lately for no big reason.. Am I a drama queen?? erm, I prefer damsel in distress.. I want to be somebody else, somebody who has a lot of money, independent, has great career ahead, many friends and live life happily but I guess it's hard to be the exact somebody with all the characteristics..It's just impossible rite?!!!

~ Love and Hatred ~

A quote said it takes a minute to haf a crush, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone, but it takes a LIFETIME to forget someone.. Yep! It's true but what if the person hurt you too deeply and made you want to forget him in any possible way?! It did happen when I broke up with my ex-bf 3 years ago. In order to forget him I forced myself to keep recalling and remembering every single bad thing he said or did to me. Even tho it seemed so harsh and cruel but the situation had left me to no choice which I gladly accepted adding to the fact dat I wanted so badly to make him go away from my mind. To no surprise, it really succeeded in some ways. Of course I can't totally erase him from my brain as to accomplish it I may need to loose my sanity but the important thing is how my mind portrays him. I no longer seeing him as the person whom I once loved but the person whom I loathe so much dat I want to kick him in the groin!! Till one point I was not able to remember any good memories wif him and to no regret I like it so much. I know it's no good to haf such a full of hatred towards someone it could haunt you for the rest of your life, but rite now my mind will absolutely backfires any attempt to accept him even as a fren. How am I going to be fren wif someone who cheated on me, called me stupid, said he was staying just because he pitied me during our last few months together, and even said to me I crashed his life?? Urghhh.. it's horrible to even typing these things. But there's one problem to dis, after all those bitter moments, painful break-up process, after-breakup arguments, he still wanna be fren wif me, he wanna stay connected to me just to tell me from time to time dat he misses me and he can't forget me. 3 years had passed and yet my world is still dawdle over him. Whenever I got one or two months quiet from him suddenly he'd send an sms, miscall or call me and it caused quite a disturbance to my life. It kept going like dat until 5 months ago where I totally put a stop to his behavior and managed to get more peaceful life. Today, we chatted thru YM and between a lot of rows we had while chatting he did tell me he has tried not to disturb me by deleting my number, my email and etc. Erm, dat's good and I hope he'll stick to dat. He always confess he still loves me as his first love.. I allow him to have dat kind of feeling towards me becoz I don't have power to make his feeling go away as long as he keeps his distance from me. If you read this Hafiz, I hope you'll note dat in mind.. Dat's all I needed for now and I'm very grateful to haf my heart opened again to Zul who mends everything and made me wanna live happily again and I can easily forget my ex-bf wif only a simple smile from a person who appreciates me.

~ Boredom ~

I'm starting to haf really weird feeling staying at home for too long.. When I got the news dat I was going to do my practical training in my hometown I was so happy I could jump high in the sky. At dat time the idea of staying at home for the whole 9 months seemed like heaven becoz I'm kinda mommy's girl and I always come home every weekends or fortnightly. But now I can totally see the difference by being back from time to time or staying for a long period.. To be honest dis is the longest time I'm staying at home in 7 years!! Started to attend MRSM since I was barely 16 had kept me away from home except for the weekends and school holidays. Later I continued wif matriculation and now currently pursuing my degree which also needs me to be away from home. As long as I can remember the longest time of me being at home was only for 3 months ++ and dat was after my SPM and during my semester breaks. The first 6-months was ok, I was so busy wif my practical training and couldn't care less to think about anything else. Despite the pressure and unhappiness at my workplace I thanked God to haf my parents around me. The good feeling started to wear off after I finished my practical because I haf nothing to do, no friends around me as always and no jalan-jalan after office hours with colleagues. Being the only child in the family has worsen my situation. I got bored wif my days, I barely go out and only got sunlight thru my windows, haha!! The best time is only on weekends where I can meet Zul or my friends. Kawan pun blaja kat macam2 tempat, so lagi susah nak jumpe.. What a boring life I'm living right now! I'm so eager to go back to campus by the end of December and meet all my friends there. Even though it's so weird to do assignments again, at least I haf something to do instead of doing nothing. The best thing is my friends will be around 24 hours and I miss them so much!

~ Testing! Testing! ~

Hmmm.. It took me 5 months to start blogging again, I didn't know why but I guess the old boring page had been one of the reasons. At first I thought to change the layout of my previous blog but in the end I decided a whole new blog will do (I just deleted the most active blog I ever had.. Sob.. Sob..). So here I am with a new layout which is quite simple, new url, new title, new stories and everything is new except me.. Welcome friends!!