~ Saya Gemok ~

I just realized that my shape is getting worse. My butt is bigger than two coconuts put together. My waist looks like a baobab tree trunk and the thighs are much alike a rhino's drumsticks! Worst of all, I cannot fit into my skinny jeans. I bought 2 pairs of jeans at Forever 21 in October with different cutting. I wear the first one and ignore the other one deciding to keep it for later. Last week, while I was doing some packing for a vacation in Langkawi, I tried on some clothes and found out a shocking truth that I couldn't pull the new jeans up to my hip! That's suck! It was just 1 1/2 months away.. Later I tried the other jeans and pants and they too couldn't fit into my bulging stomach and the bigger-than-ever ass.

At the end of the day, I went straight to The Store and bought me a new pair of jeans from Voir. I promised myself to get back into shape soon enough so I can dress stylishly in my beloved (currently unfitted) Guess / Levi's / Forever 21 pair of jeans. Currently, for the fat moment, the local one will do.. Uwaaaaaaa...

~ 2 Become 1 ~

I merged my 2nd blog on blogger with the one on friendster.
But still.. I'm missing my 1st blog, which has hundreds of entries back in 2003 up to 2005
I was actively blogging at that time :)
Feel stupid that I deleted them all..
I even deleted the account back then.
It's gone.. Kaput!

Better it be that way, it was full with miserable stories, heartbroken and all.
New title, new page, new url
But it's the same old me..

~ MeLaWaN KeSePiaN ~

On the same day after I had a bad dream (refer to previous entry), I heard a song by Dato' Siti. It was played on the radio while I was on my way to town with hubby. I never heard this song before but considered that I was still emotional and not fully recovered, I cried for the 2nd time on that day. Hubby was worried and urged me to stop thinking about the dream. Here's the lyric:

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata tertahan
Waktu untuk dijatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apa pun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan...
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti

~ A DeAd WiFe ~

I had this weird dream 2 weeks ago and it still haunts me somehow. You know how messy dreams might be but I could still remember this one with a vivid detail... It started with a scene where Haley and Nathan from One Tree Hill TV Series talking (I had no idea why they were in the dream...) and suddenly it changed to a scene by the lake.

I saw a man sitting on a rock staring blankly into the calm water from afar. He looked sad and lost in his own thoughts. He didn't even realize when I came near him, so I said hi. He responded by turning his head and then back again gazing into the glassy water. I asked him why he's sitting there all alone. He cried and said, "My wife is dead, I miss her so much but I'm only left with the memories of her. It's so hard living without her, wanting to see her again but I know it's impossible."

Without any respect for his feeling, I asked again whether he wanted to marry or maybe fall in love with someone new and he replied with a short answer, "It's not easy to forget her..."

I left and by keeping some distance, I watched him for quite some time. I could feel the sorrow and deep down inside I wished to know him better and help to ease his pain. Then, I woke up in tears...

Here comes the weird part. The man is actually my husband, Zul. He didn't recognize me and I myself saw him as someone that I didn't know in the dream. I was in the dream but the talking and seeing were through somebody's else body. Although people says dreams are just "mainan tidur" but still I can't help myself to stop thinking and replaying it in my mind over and over again. Does it mean that I die? Does the girl talking to Zul is someone new who will replace me?! It was traumatic to see his face crying over my death and that was the worst part of all...

Despite of a bad dream, it made me realize to always think about death... Kita didatangkan dari Allah dan kepada Dia juga kita dikembalikan. So we need to cherish and spend time with our loved ones as much as we can because tomorrow is not a promise.

May Allah bless both of us and our loved ones with healthy long life. Amin.

~ A BuN iN tHe OvEn?!! ~

There's a question most newlyweds need to answer once they've been married for more than 2 months:

"Dah ade ke?!"

It's normal for some people, normally the old folks to ask this kind of question to the newlyweds months after the wedding. But for the opposite, it might be a sensitive topic which ends up with a slight smile as the only answer or a big-wide grin as a sign to a good news they've been waiting to announce.

For me, the answer is still NO and I hope this will clear up all the question marks on everyone's head (friends who keep asking..) I'd love to start a family with the man I love right at this moment in order to make our life complete as a whole.. To be honest, I envy every new parents with their cute newborn babies cuddled in their arms. I can see and feel their happiness and I'd love to be one of them as soon as possible..

But the timing doesn't really give me too many options. Being hundreds miles away from hubby has made me hesitate to be pregnant or should I say, I'm afraid to be one! It's not that I don't want a baby but for me, to be pregnant with a first child is a precious moment of your life both to the father and mother. We can't repeat the special moments of finding out that you're pregnant, the frequent visits to clinic with hubby tagging along, the eagerness of welcoming a new addition to the family, the window shopping for the baby stuff, etc..

In simpler words, I don't want to experience my pregnancy with the absence of a husband, I want him to be with me from the very beginning until the end of it. I want him to soothe me after the morning sickness, rub my back when I'm not in the mood. How should he do that if we only managed to meet every 2-3 times a month?! I couldn't imagine how emo I can be..

For now, the plan of expanding Mr Don's clan needs to be postponed until I completed my courses in Bangi by the end of 2008. InsyaAllah, with the God's will, 2009 will be a good year for us to start a family. May God bless us, Amin..