~ 2 Become 1 ~

I merged my 2nd blog on blogger with the one on friendster.
But still.. I'm missing my 1st blog, which has hundreds of entries back in 2003 up to 2005
I was actively blogging at that time :)
Feel stupid that I deleted them all..
I even deleted the account back then.
It's gone.. Kaput!

Better it be that way, it was full with miserable stories, heartbroken and all.
New title, new page, new url
But it's the same old me..

~ MeLaWaN KeSePiaN ~

On the same day after I had a bad dream (refer to previous entry), I heard a song by Dato' Siti. It was played on the radio while I was on my way to town with hubby. I never heard this song before but considered that I was still emotional and not fully recovered, I cried for the 2nd time on that day. Hubby was worried and urged me to stop thinking about the dream. Here's the lyric:

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata tertahan
Waktu untuk dijatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apa pun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan...
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti

~ A DeAd WiFe ~

I had this weird dream 2 weeks ago and it still haunts me somehow. You know how messy dreams might be but I could still remember this one with a vivid detail... It started with a scene where Haley and Nathan from One Tree Hill TV Series talking (I had no idea why they were in the dream...) and suddenly it changed to a scene by the lake.

I saw a man sitting on a rock staring blankly into the calm water from afar. He looked sad and lost in his own thoughts. He didn't even realize when I came near him, so I said hi. He responded by turning his head and then back again gazing into the glassy water. I asked him why he's sitting there all alone. He cried and said, "My wife is dead, I miss her so much but I'm only left with the memories of her. It's so hard living without her, wanting to see her again but I know it's impossible."

Without any respect for his feeling, I asked again whether he wanted to marry or maybe fall in love with someone new and he replied with a short answer, "It's not easy to forget her..."

I left and by keeping some distance, I watched him for quite some time. I could feel the sorrow and deep down inside I wished to know him better and help to ease his pain. Then, I woke up in tears...

Here comes the weird part. The man is actually my husband, Zul. He didn't recognize me and I myself saw him as someone that I didn't know in the dream. I was in the dream but the talking and seeing were through somebody's else body. Although people says dreams are just "mainan tidur" but still I can't help myself to stop thinking and replaying it in my mind over and over again. Does it mean that I die? Does the girl talking to Zul is someone new who will replace me?! It was traumatic to see his face crying over my death and that was the worst part of all...

Despite of a bad dream, it made me realize to always think about death... Kita didatangkan dari Allah dan kepada Dia juga kita dikembalikan. So we need to cherish and spend time with our loved ones as much as we can because tomorrow is not a promise.

May Allah bless both of us and our loved ones with healthy long life. Amin.

~ A BuN iN tHe OvEn?!! ~

There's a question most newlyweds need to answer once they've been married for more than 2 months:

"Dah ade ke?!"

It's normal for some people, normally the old folks to ask this kind of question to the newlyweds months after the wedding. But for the opposite, it might be a sensitive topic which ends up with a slight smile as the only answer or a big-wide grin as a sign to a good news they've been waiting to announce.

For me, the answer is still NO and I hope this will clear up all the question marks on everyone's head (friends who keep asking..) I'd love to start a family with the man I love right at this moment in order to make our life complete as a whole.. To be honest, I envy every new parents with their cute newborn babies cuddled in their arms. I can see and feel their happiness and I'd love to be one of them as soon as possible..

But the timing doesn't really give me too many options. Being hundreds miles away from hubby has made me hesitate to be pregnant or should I say, I'm afraid to be one! It's not that I don't want a baby but for me, to be pregnant with a first child is a precious moment of your life both to the father and mother. We can't repeat the special moments of finding out that you're pregnant, the frequent visits to clinic with hubby tagging along, the eagerness of welcoming a new addition to the family, the window shopping for the baby stuff, etc..

In simpler words, I don't want to experience my pregnancy with the absence of a husband, I want him to be with me from the very beginning until the end of it. I want him to soothe me after the morning sickness, rub my back when I'm not in the mood. How should he do that if we only managed to meet every 2-3 times a month?! I couldn't imagine how emo I can be..

For now, the plan of expanding Mr Don's clan needs to be postponed until I completed my courses in Bangi by the end of 2008. InsyaAllah, with the God's will, 2009 will be a good year for us to start a family. May God bless us, Amin..

~ JuNe: ThE pOsT mOrTeM & A tOuGh BeGinNinG ~

Note: This entry is closely related to the last entry, it's better to be read after the last one..

Alhamdulillah.. May has ended and it's a wrap for all of the anticipated events that I listed before. Everything happened according to the plan and went so well the way they should be. Now, it's time for me to slow down and relax, look back and put it into words so I can recall some of the best moments / memories which have changed my life.

1. I've reported my duty last 2nd of May and I'm slowly adjusting and adapting to the new environment. I think I'm going to like it here and it'll not be a problem to work until I turn 58! Hubby wants me to consider a transfer to Alor Star but it'll take some time, it's a tedious and risky process after all. Meanwhile, I'm trying lobbying him to transfer to Penang / SP but for now we'll have to wait and see who's going to follow who in another 1 - 2 years..
2. I've got my new car on 29th April and being clumsy as I am, I already hit something resulted with very long and visible scratches. On the other hand, my driving skills have improved and finally I can give the driving license a good use! It's funny that I never pay much attention to traffic reports on the radio before but I do now, they really help!
3. The greatest events are the Akad Nikah Ceremony followed by Wedding Receptions. Last 17th of May, I'm officially called Puan Ikhlas. Even though the sound of ‘Puan' is not as good as what I feel but I'm glad we ended married to each other after 5 ½ years being together as a couple. It's a greatest feeling of all time. Both wedding receptions were superb, but I slightly regret for not having much time to spend with all friends who came by on my special day. Being the bride and groom was a hell lot of fun and pressure too, people wanting us from every direction and it was a really busy day. Busy with smiling, waving, greeting and posing!! We have cool photographers that I consider as friends who made the photo sessions became less intense and more relax. There're thousands of shots Zul & I had to choose from before I continue with the editing and artwork. Yes, the bride does the editing by herself, HeHe.. Lots of thanks to Mr Arie Gaban (http://ariegaban.fotopages.com), Mikagami (http://www.mohdalhafiz.com) and Asmady (http://www.studioaston.com) for all the great photos! (Still waiting from Asmady for his great captures!). One more thing, Zul and I were proud to wear all the attires designed and tailored by Abah!
4. Our honeymoon / vacation were postponed to August since I can't get any leave and I'm going to be in Bangi for 2 months, away from hubby. I'm sure I'm going to be miserable for the whole 2 months starting next 2 days, Uwaaaaaaa!! I guess this entry is a way of saying goodbye to friendster too. I'm going to be inactive for the next couple of months and it really sucks. A really tough beginning for the newly weds, sob.. sob.. sob..
   

I think I'm ready for anything. Ready to be a good wife, ready to be apart from hubby, ready to discover a new life after marriage and ready to fully commit with my new job. All I need is to be tough and put a little more patience in me in order for better things to comes. Till then..