.: Telltales Of A Lady Named EcLaSs :.

~ Not A Wordless Day ~

2011-11-09T13:02:00.002+08:00

Hatred is not as simple as it sounds because it affects our relationship with certain people around us, be it in the past, present or future..

Scar does not fade and becomes a collection of reminders on our daily life and hopefully making us stronger..

Pride is something subjective and always mistakenly judge as arrogant or ego but it is just a methapor of one's beliefs on how her life should be..

Self esteemed is somehow is a result of envy. It either helps making life happier or break it into pieces. Then comes the jealousy which has its greatest effect on the weakest people..

Rage is controlled by emotion and how gloomy it becomes may worsen its outburst..

Past is something complicated and for those who dwell too much into it is clearly not a forgiving person and she must have been suffered with BIG issues of her own..

So much of a wordless Wednesday huh?! Because feeling itself is not visible through writing so I here I am putting into details of the mixed feeling I have on this gloomy day.. (I was going to make a poem out of it but it would probably sounds corny!).

Happy Wednesday peeps!

~ Hari Rabu Tanpa Kata ~

2011-10-19T12:49:00.001+08:00

~ Mekap ~

2011-10-18T19:26:00.000+08:00

Jenuh tonyoh!

Sejak seminggu dua ni kat opis mesti orang tegur, "ada event apa hari ni?" atau pun "nak pi mana ni?". Paling kurang mesti tengok pelik kat aku, tensen sungguh!

Ni semua akibat bermekap la. Nampak sangat aku nih serabai memanjang bila pi opis, jadinya bila calit mekap sikit jer orang dah heran. Malu pulak tapi sebab sayang duit punya pasal dah beli segala benda alah tu maka harus la bermekap habiskan semua kang expired rugi. Tu pun aku gagah jugak calit sana sini selang 2-3 hari sekali kalo tetiap hari gamaknya jenuh keja tak jalan.

Sejak ada anak ni memang tak sempat dah nak solek molek nih, mai opis pun sikat rambut dalam keta ja masa stuck in traffic jam. Bukan la nak kata tak mekap lansung tapi cuma hari spesel macam koir ka, sambutan raya ka.. Hari lain mintak maap biar la berserabut pun memang tak sempat dah <-- dah la tak mekap, pakai pun serabai, makin lama makin gemok.. Tak serupa gaya pegawai lansung harap kat blazer ja, haha!

Mekap baru tu suma beli sebab nak pakai masa dinner last July.. Tapi satu lagi pemangkin bermekap bagai nak rak semenjak dua menjak ni sebab nak guna lipstick Dior yang sebatang RM95 tuh.. Barang mekap paling mahal yang aku penah beli dalam seumur hidup, semata mata nak cukupkan total of purchase nak dapat free mascara, haha! Lagi RM5 ja nak dapat free mascara tp kena beli lipstick yg RM95, haha.. Ada ka barang CD yang rega RM5 kan?! Apsal aku tak decide tak yah amek mascara free supaya RM90 tak melayang?!

Betul bendul betui time tu! Ha jenuh mekap la ni, nak menten mekap tak cayaq lagi, amek ang!

~ Easy Peasy ~

2011-10-16T12:57:00.003+08:00

I used to wish for Blogger to has an iPhone app so I could blog whenever and wherever I go. Since there was no app before, I tend to express my feeling on twitter, it's like my mini blog plus it's available with just one touch on my phone.

I expect to blog more since my wish has come true!

By the way, I'm writing this using my iPhone, cool isn't it?! The only downside is I can't format the font and paragraph...

P/s: Paragraph was justified later through laptop :)

~ Dedicated To A Special Person a.k.a Friend ~

2011-09-11T13:57:00.005+08:00

As mentioned before in previous entry, I am experiencing the phase of low milk supply. I tried giving Ammar formula milk so many times but he refused and rather wait for me to come back from work. I struggled with frequent pumping sessions and used up all my frozen EBMs and this was the last packet I had at the last month of July..

The one and only..

I was really panic but pray to Allah that Ammar will soon accept formula milk. During the critical phase, I managed to provide up to 2.5 - 3 bottles x 4 oz (fresh + frozen milk) daily but with only 1 frozen EBM left, I would only able to provide 1 1/2 - 2 bottles and I assumed Ammar will start to give in and accept formula milk. That was the plan until something good came up.

I have a friend Sarah who was in pantang last August, she lives in KL but had her pantang at her kampung in Pokok Sena. As a friend I always share breastfeeding info and experiences with her since she also breastfeeds her 2 children. One day I received an sms saying that she wanted to give Ammar her excess frozen EBMs (a new mom is easily engorged) and her husband already gives permission. Never in my life that I thought this good offer would come but after discussion with hubby, we agreed. So there goes how it all started.

I went to Sarah's a day before Ramadhan and took 5 packets to try with Ammar and lucky enough he drank it like there was no difference (bijak betul ammar ni, susu lembu dia tak mau tapi susu orang lain mau pulak!). So we went there to pick up another 2 batches from Sarah. Lucky that Ammar now has ibu susuan plus 2 siblings in tow! Thanks Acik Ah or probably Mak Ah for her kind heart!

On 7th Syawal, we went to Pokok Sena again to beraya and pick up the last batch of the stock since Sarah is already completed her pantang and going back to KL. I guess with the stock of my EBMs (not so much) plus with Sarah's which totaled up to 150 oz are going to last for a month! Ammar is 21 months and insyaAllah he has enough milk until he turns 22 months old.

Sarah's frozen EBM

Sarah's too!

Mine..

Having enough stock doesn't mean I need to stop pumping, the journey will not end soon at least for another 3 months until Ammar turns 2. For the time being, I am going to maintain my pumping sessions 2-3 times at work and once at home (midnight) even though I don't get much, 2-3 oz per session is better than nothing right? If those frozen EBMs would be all used up later, I will start to introduce him formula milk again and I hope he accept it slowly..

By the way, Sarah smsed and said she left another 50 oz for Ammar at kampung because she couldn't transfer too many frozen EBMs in her coleman ice box plus it is a long journey back to KL. I'm going to pick up that batch this weekend, may Allah bless her and her family.

To Sarah: We may not know each other for long but I pray that this friendship last forever! Zul, Ammar and I are very grateful to you and family. I don't know how should I repay everything that you have done to Ammar, may Allah makes your breastfeeding journey for Adam goes smoothly.. Amin..

3 siblings - on 7th Syawal

Sarah and I

Ammar with his mak susunya :)

Cute!

Family with big heart - this one taken from Sarah's FB

How I met Sarah?! Here is some brief info in an entry at Sarah's blog!

~ Wordless Wednesday ~

2011-09-07T10:00:00.000+08:00

~ Sabun Hebat ~

2011-09-04T12:15:00.000+08:00

I don't know whether this is funny or considered unlucky but please read to the last sentence and decide.

I consider myself living like a nomad because my weekends will always be at inlaws in Alor Star while weekdays is at my parents in Sungai Petani. It is a give and take decision between hubby and I since we are living with my parents in SP, we would spend our free time in Alor Star as much as we can. Due to this circumstances I have 2 sets of everything, toothbrush, facial cleanser, hair care etc. One day about 2 months ago my facial cleanser was running low so I decided to use whatever available in the bathroom in AS. I tried this one small green soap and became fond of it. To cut it short, I ended up using it whenever I was in AS for at least once a day during weekend. Though, I have never once asked the people in the house regarding detail of the said soap..

Until recently the soap is not there anymore so I used mine again. Last sunday I noticed a familiar soap still wrapped in packaging on the cabinet and guess what I found..

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Read the description..

Okeh, maksudnya selama ni aku cuci muka guna benda alah ni?

Uwaaa rasa sangat teraniaya, malas la nak tanya sapa yang pakai kan, kira salah sendiri la pakai harta orang tak tanya pulak tuh! No wonder my face is getting chubbier by the day, sangat berkesan sabun nih HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Penuh bulat muka I, you!

~ Aidil Fitri 2011 ~

2011-09-04T03:16:00.005+08:00

This is going to be a short entry, I'm quite busy at the moment.. My hari raya was so-so because I didn't entitled for any cuti raya, in total I had already took 7 days off in August just for Ammar. That was my 1st experience working on raya eve and it sucked a big time! I also went to work on 4th day of raya (Friday) and because of that our raya visiting schedule was so packed and tired ;(

4 days before raya - siblings having fun!

Giliran 2011 - a night before and raya morning in Aloq Staq

Ammar dah dapat duit raya dari tok wan chien!

Inlaws, nak ke baling - fahmi dah jadik Dr Rozmey kot!

Annual family portrait..

Cantik? Penat I belajaq from youtube vids / bloggers okeh!

The crazy parents

Petang raya dah di SP continue visiting my family and relatives

2nd Day - with my family

Hyper!

2nd day - merdeka raya by anak merdeka

Ammar with mama and umi su in Balik Pulau

Kempiskan perut!

Love is great!

Beraya di QB

Sorry, can't resist to spend my duit raya :)

3rd day - ikut hubby pi kenduri kawan.. I hate this inner & shawl, didn't have much time to change into something nicer since we were too late..

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri

Maaf Zahir Batin

From Zul, Eclass & Ammar

P/s: more pictures are on my facebook album

~ Raya Shopping ~

2011-09-03T21:58:00.005+08:00

Due to my family health issues during Ramadhan I was not really into raya preparation. It was until the last week that made me realize I need to do something about it before it was too late. I checked into Ammar's closet to get a clear picture what he needed for raya and I found this.....

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I know I keep buying him new clothes and keep it for future use but I never realized they were too many for him at the moment. I just stashed everything into the drawer and now I know they are also some shirts & Ts that he even wear once, I guess I don't need to buy anything for him. NOT!

I forced Ammar to try every piece of the cloth in the picture and unfortunately some of them are in size 18-24mos @ 18 mos and still look big on him. I was hoping the Ralph Lauren polo would fit him nicely since it's the most expensive one and suitable for raya la, but I guess I need to wait another 1/2 year.. Mind you Ammar is still wearing size 12-18mos @ 12mos even though his age is already 21 months, imagine how petite he is! For the shoes only Timberland boot fits him, neither sneaker nor sandal can be used for the moment at least until next year.

As for me, no new casual attires needed because I got some new ones bought during my blouse hunting for dinner last July. So for our raya shopping in Queensbay I only bought myself 2 pairs of Vincci sandal, a Nose flat and a Nose tote bag while hubby got 4 pairs of Padini Ts. Everything was at 50% - 70% discounted price buat apa membazir kan! Ammar got 2 pairs of Miki Ts, hmmm.. no comment..

I also bought something for my parents, parents in law and my sister in law sebab dapat bonus kan.. I should be fair and square.. That was my raya shopping! NOT!

On the next several days I went to Jusco during lunch time to buy something for saudara susuan Ammar, Adib and Adam. Since they are saudara susuan, why not buy something identical? So Ammar got another 2 new Ts, and another pair of baju melayu <-- a good bargain, it's RM22.50 after 50% discount, gila kan! Okay, this is really final, that was my raya shopping!

Entry for raya coming soon!

~ A Big Hole In Our Pockets ~

2011-09-02T20:49:00.000+08:00

Zul and I have 2 external HD, one was the old one and another is quite new. The old one, Seagate 160GB was kaput it has no light blinking and no sound at all.. I was so disappointed because Ammar's picture collections since the day he was born were saved on that disk and we didn't have any backup, our PC had also been reformatted due to virus attack <-- blamed it on hubby since he is the one who using it daily.

We sent the external HD to 2 computer shops, both tried using new cable and they said nothing can be done and no data can be recovered. Refused to loose the precious data, I googled everything on the net about data recovery and and found several company who offered the service. I chose the most reliable one based on customer testimonials, company profile, news update and blog and also their profile and sent an online quotation by giving details of my HD problem. The service was good, I received a call on the next morning giving me some explanation and they quoted me at RM750 !! Yes, that expensive! Believe me reformatting HD or repairing computer's hardware is a far cry from what a data recovery means.

After several days of discussion with hubby we decided to courier our external HD to the company which in KL for preliminary inspection. I didn't have much time to send quotation to several other company to compare prices since Ammar was admitted to hospital. In our mind, we really wanted the data to be recovered regardless how much we need to pay (still.. RM750 is a big amount of money). Several days later we got good news, the data can be 95% recovered so we gave them permission to proceed and made payment. We got the recovered data couriered in a brand new external HD.

I did some google a week later and found some data recovery companies in Penang which quite reliable and the prices start as low at RM500, don't know in my case should it be less than RM750 or not but I have no regret. The important part is I already have everything back including Ammar 1st picture. I'm gonna need some time to go through all folders to choose which one to be printed as precaution that the same thing will happen in future. Lesson learned! Rasa macam CSI pulak using this data recovery company services.

Huhu.. I still can't believe we both paid for this! I could buy another Coach handbag with this amount of money :(

Why data recovery is so expensive? Here are some info that I got while I did some research..

ADRC - No, I didn't send mine here, just surfing for info

Data Doctors - Not this one too..

~ Ramadhan in hospital ~

2011-09-01T16:34:00.000+08:00

Ammar admitted to Metro again, last year was in Syawal but this time around in Ramadhan. Hubby admitted in the afternoon of 8th August followed by Ammar at midnight due to high fever. It was really tough for me to take care both of them, lucky enough the nurses managed to transfer Ammar into the same 2-beds room with his babah. Hubby was discharged after 2 nights but Ammar had to wait another 5 nights. Since that was the 2nd time experience, we didn't panic plus the room was quite comfortable!

Sahur was bad, everything turned to be cold as ice because hubby bought the food at midnight and we couldn't reheat. Berbuka was so-so for the fact I couldn't feast my eyes at Bazaar everyday. First and foremost, I thank Allah for giving me strength and exception not to fall really ill in order to take care of everyone. I thank him too that everyone is recovering well including my parents & in-laws whom also got infected by the virus right after visiting the patients. Alhamdulillah..

The patients

Family affair in ward..

Kesian..

Mama pun tak puasa sebab nak makan ubat elak sakit melarat..

Tak cukup sebelah, tukar pulak tangan lain sebab swollen

Finally discharged but still staying in hospital

After work

Last day, Alhamdulillah..

~ Hello ~

2011-08-29T04:19:00.002+08:00

August is a hectic month and somehow full of challenges.. I'm going to update in stages whatever happened in this month hopefully by tomorrow. It's too late for me to even write this short update.. See ya!

~ 2 Events In A Day ~

2011-08-28T14:24:00.001+08:00

I'm not an important person in office, I say that because I rarely involve as a committee member in any of the events conducted. Lucky me and I prefer it that way in order for me to concentrate with my daily job as an assessor so I can leave office on time to be with family. This time around luck was not with me, I was on the registration committee both for Family Day and Malam Hasil and it was quite hectic because I could only finalize everything once attendance list was confirmed which meant on the D-Day itself. Anyhow all ended well. Not so many pictures were taken since I was mostly at the registration table and chasing Ammar everywhere!

At the registration table since 7.30am

Ammar - anak terbiar hari tuh..

The mess after the launching but a good scene for posers like us

Managed to join Sukaneka!

My responsibility to my son even when busy..

At our table

Arrival shot - not following the theme exactly

A solo shot

Mother and son

Love of my life!

Note: By the way these 2 events happened on 23rd July 2011

~ Angkara Pediasure ~

2011-07-08T05:42:00.003+08:00

I had an emotional breakdown last couple of weeks which led me to my biggest fear, low supply of milk. Hubby and I brought Ammar to a pediatric appointment to follow up his low iron condition cum monthly visit. Ammar is doing okay with his iron ntake but on the other hand the doctor was quite worried about Ammar's growth due to his almost static weight gain for the past several months plus his low appetite and being a picky eater. I told him Ammar is still a fully breastfed toddler but the doctor asked me back, "Are you sure your milk is enough for him? He is growing fast and surely it is not enough for him, I suggest you give him Pediasure and you won't be worried about what other nutrients that he needs. I give you some samples and you can try them!"

They were just simple sentences but I was holding back tears in front of the doctor. Yes I was taken aback by the statement, clearly he is not a pro breastfeeding pediatrician but what surprised me more was ME. To be honest, deep down inside I had to admit that I thought he was right. I have been having several episodes of seriously low supply of milk during the past several months especially after Ammar turned one and during my menses. Still, I could provide him enough with day-to-day fresh EBM even without being able to stock up my frozen EBM.

I was so down but after a long discussion with hubby we agreed to give Pediasure a try, 1-2 bottles during the day after he finish 3 bottles of EBM. On the next day, I left Ammar with only 3 bottles and hoped that he would try Pediasure later in the late afternoon. Surprisingly Ammar was doing fine with only 3 bottles of EBM and rejected Pediasure while I struggled to pump at office with no letdown reflex. I got a total 6 oz (usually I will bring back home 10-12oz) from my 3-4 pumping sessions and the problem continues for several days. There were times when I just got only drops of milk per session, the worst record in 19 months! This formula milk has been haunting me and led to pressure, hence, giving me trouble to express milk as usual. See? How milk production is really affected by mindset! Damn!

My mom tried giving Ammar Pediasure for several days but he completely rejected the milk (we tried Anmum too but to no avail) and because of that he starting to eat more. Bravo son! Cut the story short, we stopped trying and Ammar is now okay with 3 bottles of EBM. I notice his appetite is getting better, Alhamdullilah. In some sort of way I believe God answered my prayer to prolong this breastfeeding journey that I have been on. I don't want to put high hope but I aim to reach 20th month, if succeeded then continue to 21st month and so on and on until I successfully breasfeed him for 2 years. InsyaAllah..

Note to myself: I always equip myself with a lot of reading regarding breastfeeding yet I was so naive to be sucked into this 'breast milk is not enough' myth. I know a toddler's diet shouldn't be full on milk but majorly consist of solid food but I still think my breast milk is the reason Ammar is not gaining enough weight. I also know that a breastfed toddler's growth chart is totally different from a normal toddler who is formula fed, I know almost everything and I've read tonnes of articles before but sadly I panicked by just the simplest comments from someone who does not really support breastfeeding (something common that I should expect in this journey). I should have known better, trust my gut and trust my knowledge!

Note to others: Negative comments / statements clearly had shaken my confidence in breastfeeding. Speaking from me who is already breastfeeding for 19 months, I'm sure these negative comments can crush all hope and confidence in new mommies who wished to fully breastfeed their babies. So peeps, please equip yourselves with info as much as you can, knowledge can do wonder and will help you a lot! The least you can do is read all info from the lactation experts such as Pn. Suraya and Pn Farah. Good luck in your breastfeeding journey! For me, I know I have the best and the worst experiences so far but I still have 5 more months to go!

Footnote to those who doesn't know: EBM is expressed breast milk <-- susu perah la tu :)

~ 3D2N Vacation ~

2011-06-25T18:48:00.002+08:00

I almost forgot to update about our family vacation in Cameron last 2 weeks. It was almost a last minute decision but we loved it, the much needed rest and fun for the family. Furthermore, Nora Elena fever was still high during that time so there is nothing wrong if we opted for the romantic getaway, right? Cold = Romantic, get it?! Owh, by the way it was our 3rd trip to Cameron and since we loves it so much, it might be considered as our future annual trip! Nothing much to say, here are some photos during our vacation on the high land..

Tea Time!

Hotel Lobby

I still think Century Pines is better..

Tea Plantation

Mother and son..

Chillax!

Garden

Freezing!

Last Day..

Nora Elena fever!

Hmm..

~ An Irrestible Disease ~

2011-06-18T23:02:00.000+08:00

Nora Elena has ended with a bang! I was much affected by the series so did another 2.7 millions viewers <-- rating on the last episode. It was a happy ending yet I found the last romantic scene crammed to the last minutes. I would be happier if there were more romantic scenes towards the end. I'm gonna miss Seth the most.. sob.. sob..

Lelaki yang meruntun jiwaku.. chewahhh!

Refused to be recovered from Nora Elena fever, I decided to start reading Kasih Yang Suci that I got last week. In my opinion the story line on TV is much better but Seth and Nora's characters in the book are the best. If our country allows 18SX on tv, I will drool over the hot scenes adapted from the book!

I realized my big crush is not only on Seth but also for Aaron Aziz. So I went to watch KL Ganster and it was superb! I admit he is a very good actor, so I'm gonna watch Stanza Cinta every Sunday night starting tomorrow. I definitely will watch his upcoming movie, Ombak Rindu <-- a true confession from a person who has skepticism about malay dramas / movies.. Ohhhh Aaron, you are so handsome!

Macam best kan?!

By the way, I'm still hype that one of my tweets (@EclassRahman) about Nora Elena has been quoted into an article by GUA. It's not a big deal but as a fan of the drama / Aaron I feel very appreciated that my obsession is being noticed.

In a conclusion, Nora Elena is a disease and Aaron Aziz is the virus! It's the first time in my life I feel happy to be infected and caught by this disease!

~ Seth Tan: Suami Idaman ~

2011-06-05T23:38:00.000+08:00

Ada ke lelaki macam Seth Tan? Berapa ramai? Suami korang ada sebijik macam Seth Tan? Sadly, kompem jawapan korang untuk suma soklan tu 'tak pun' or paling kurang 'ada la jugak skit-skit'. Best kan cita Nora Elena ni asyik buat kita terbuai dengan rasa cinta seorang suami terhadap sang isteri.Tambah pulak dengan ayat-ayat romantik yang buat kita sendiri tersengih sorang-sorang depan tv, awwwwwwww!

Sejujurnya la mesti suma orang nak suami macam Seth Tan tu kan, aku pun sendri nak. Dah berkali-kali dah aku cakap kat Inchek Zul macam ni, "abi, nanti abi buat la suprise macam Seth buat tu kat kita" or "abi selalu kena sabar ngan kita macam Seth sabar ngn Nora" dan yang pasti jawapan dia buat aku rasa awat la aku bukan Nora Elena, huhu..

Jadi untuk kembali ke alam realiti aku pun mengimbas balik kenangan lama ngan Inchek Zul, not bad la. Ada ja suprise yang dia buat tapi mostly masa zaman bercintan cintun, bertunang and mula kawen, lepas kawen sumanya straight forward, nak apa bagitau dia kang dia bagi apa-apa yang suprise aku tak suka plak kan. Tapi paling bermakna buat aku jadi masa around birthday aku tahun lepas berkaitan ngn gambar nih:

Mother and son..

Aku suka sangat moment yang dia capture dalam gambar ni so aku bagitau dia gambar ni mengimbau kenangan lama aku dok ngn mama atas buaian ni and aku rasa bersyukur sebab sekarang aku masih dok ngan mama atas buaian ni, mama plak dah merasa dok ngn cucu dia and aku plak dah dok ngan ammar sebagai ibu dan anak. Betapa buaian ni menyaksikan life cycle family kami. Tetiba satu malam tu aku masuk bilik tengok ada satu replika kecik buaian kaler putih atas meja, rupanya hubby yang beli sebagai simbolik buaian kat depan umah tu, laju je ayaq mata kluar sebab terharu kan. Ha, so sapa kata suami aku tak macam Seth Tan?!

Sebenarnya suma suami kita macam Seth tau, cuba dok diam-diam pejam mata and try ingat balik suma yang depa dah buat mesti jumpa punya yg ala2 Seth buat kat Nora! Nak suruh jadi sebijik macam Seth tak dapat la nak nolong, perabih duit ja beli bunga sebonet baik belanja makan or beli ipad2 ke kat kita kan! Aku sendri pun bleh membebel kalo tetiba dia beli sebonet bunga kat aku, mau dari suprise dah jadi tensen plak, haha!

Apa-apa pun, jom la kita sambung tengok Nora Elena petang isnin ni, sesekali terbuai ngan cinta fantasi or separa fantasi ni tak salah, tengok pulak dengan hubby kat tepi kan, bahagia apa?!

p/s: saya berjaya memujuk Inchek Zul ke Cameron 8-10 june ni, kita tengok la nanti kot dia sendri nak tiru Seth, kot la kan..

~ Triple Celebrations ~

2011-05-29T03:44:00.001+08:00

May has its own significance to our family because of the triple celebrations during this month. There were Mother's Day (8th May) for me, Teacher's Day (16th) for hubby and the 3rd Anniversary (17th May) for both of us!

I took a day off on Monday so I got my weekend extended to Tuesday but since hubby is working in Kedah he had to go to work on Sunday & Monday. Besides, as a teacher he surely wanted to attend his big day at school right?

It's kind of a tradition for both of us to have a vacation on our special day. We celebrated our 1st anniversary in Kuching, the second one in Cameron Highland, but this time we couldn't go far due to time constraint so we decided to go to Penang and stay at the same hotel during our honeymoon! A revisit to a memory lane but this time with a son in tow.

We got our quick getaway and had a blast and feeling grateful for God has given us the opportunity to last this long. We both prays that we will last forever, insyaAllah..

Sunset..

The two boys that I adore so much!

~ 3rd Anniversaries ~

2011-05-22T02:23:00.004+08:00

Love is in the air!

Dearest Hubby..

Many say men only like pretty girls

Yet you still choose me to be your lifetime partner

Some say men will not understand women

Yet I find you are the only one who knows me best

They say men always show less loving

Yet I can see your love always showing through your eyes

People say men will change after marriage

Yet I find you are the same person whom I knew since our first date

Happy 3rd Anniversaries to both of us! I love you more everyday. Thanks for sticking up with me for the past 3 years and being a wonderful companion through thick and thin! I know I am not a perfect wife but so grateful that you accept me for who I am. Lets grow old together, muaaaahhhhhh!

I still love this song!

p/s: Getting older has made me lost touch of my creative side of the brain, do ignore if the poem is not romantic enough :)

~ Looonnnggg Weekend ~

2011-05-21T21:58:00.000+08:00

Ammar's 1st swimsuit!

Long weekend means more time with family! Hubby and I decided to go to The Carnivall in order to expose Ammar to his 1st experience with water park and he didn't like it very much. Maybe he was so sleepy it was during his nap time. The place was not really happening and a bit dirty but since it was less than 10 minutes away from home so we gave it a try, definitely a big NO in future. We stayed for about 3 hours mostly not in water but just taking pictures.

He almost fall asleep..

The only interesting part was the trampoline bungee jumping, hubby and I took turn trying it and Ammar frantically cried when he saw me and later hubby jumping on the trampoline! Mesti dia ingat mama / babah nak tinggal dia lompat ke outerspace tak turun dah!

I managed to snap some good pictures of hubby doing somersault in the air but he didn't. I only got ugly pictures of me attempting to do somersault but failed. I got the right technique on the last attempt and finally spinning in the air but no picture was taken, damn! It was a good experience.

Yippee!

~ Brain Exercise ~

2011-05-08T03:39:00.003+08:00

I suck at waking up in the morning because it usually takes a couple of snooze buttons from several alarm clocks to really makes me awake. I have two alarm clocks on my bedside table plus my cellphone alarms (one is the general alarm on iphone and another one is a downloaded application). In total I have 4 alarms to do the job of waking me up daily but the most effective one that does wonder is the Freaky Alarm. This is how my morning kicks off (by the way, the two alarms on the table are usually turned off by hubby since he needs to be at work before 7.30 am which is earlier than me):-

When the alarm goes off, I have to select reply.. Even if I select close, the buzz won't stop!

This screen appears and imagine doing this when you are not fully awake.. Ooh sometimes the request is in ascending order!

If I made it in the previous screen this one will appear. It's not easy to tap because these shapes are actually moving!

Later I need to do the maths, arghhhhh!!

Maths again, and I don't have calculator with me plus my brain is not fully working..

Haha, this actually happens to me daily! Need to restart again, annoying right?!

The flow goes on and on until I answer everything correctly and finally the buzz will be off. I could not memorize the questions since they are never the same. However annoying this is, I have to endure it twice in the morning because I set the alarm to go off at 6.20 am and 6.30 am! I swear to get an iphone with this alarm for Ammar when he starts school, he will be genius in no time doing mathematics using this cheap USD0.99 application!

By the way, this is the demo:

~ A Sensitive Issue ~

2011-05-05T23:29:00.000+08:00

Ready for the stage!

Finally the CEO visit happened today and choir was performed after months of training in between busy E-Filing duties and extremely heavy workload. But I still has uneasy feeling about today..

Lega.. dah abeh!

Notice that I wear tudung for this event? I was asked by my superior to wear one so uniformity could be formed. The funny part today was most colleagues (obviously not from choir team) were suprised with my appearance on stage and thought that I have got hidayah to change. At a certain extent, a colleague which I don't really close to came and hug me saying I looked good wearing tudung and wishing I would stay this way.

I received lots of compliment and wishes from men and women for the whole day but they kind of made me feel uneasy. They assume I would wear tudung even after today which I don't really planning to, for now. Do they expect me to start wearing tudung based on compliment? Do I need to change because people said I'm prettier wearing ones? Do I need to take this as a hint I should change now?

No, I won't because it is not a faith nawaitu to start with. I will change someday but for now I'm not going to be hypocrite because my heart is not 100% on this. When the day finally has come, I pray that I will be a better person and be a good muslimah forever. Amin.

One day, InsyaAllah..

Tomorrow morning will be weird, I'm sure will get lots of teguran because I'd appear wearing none.

~ Restless Mind ~

2011-05-01T17:26:00.002+08:00

Things that have been on my mind for the past few days:

I want to achieve my goal to breastfeed Ammar until he turns 2 years old

- My milk production is getting lesser by the day

I want to be able to leave office at 5pm daily

- I have so many works to do, it'll be impossible

I want to start eating healthily so I can lose some weight

- Work stress plus emotional meltdown regarding Ammar health issues and breastfeeding problems are not helping

I want to be a better person and stop thinking bad about other people

- We always think people offence us in some ways but we don't realize certain people might also get offended by us

I want to spend more time with hubby

- We both are so busy and I miss our weekly movie dates, etc

I want Damon to be with Elena..

- Yes, this series (both book and tv) affect me BIG time!

~ The Unexpected ~

2009-12-24T20:23:00.005+08:00

Uish lama gila tak update blog sampai dah bertimbun2 debu, sekali update dah ada citer baru. Aku dah ter'beranak' on last 6th December. Punya la terkejut tak sangka pun nak bersalin aritu tapi kuasa tuhan kan, Ammar pun nak jumpa mama & babah dia awal. Tengahari ahad tuh kebetulan ada appointment kat klinik kesihatan untuk scan perut, so bila dah siap scan doktor cakap baby ok and kemungkinan bleh bersalin ujung bulan. Doktor tanya lagi ada apa2 masalah ka, aku cakap la malam sebelum rasa perut dok mengeras selalu sangat. Doktor terus prepare referral letter to GH, kononnya suh aku pi cek detail kat sana in case ada apa2 problem. Aku ngan hubby singgah Hussain nasi kandar dulu pekena nasi then baru gi hospital.

Sampai sana dorang suh refer to wad bersalin, masa tu dok pikir apahal la kena pi situ bukan nak bersalin pun. Sampai sana misi siap suruh bukak barang kemas bagai memang macam nak bersalin padahal bila tanya just nak buat ctg test ja (to check baby's heartbeats & contractions). Dengan selambanya aku seludup masuk henpon and bermesej ngn hubby time menunggu test tu setel. Baring je pun dengan benda alah ctg tu ikat kat perut sambil dengar heartbeat baby yg kuat berbunyi. Tetiba rasa macam dengar heartbeats slowdown and doktor pun dengan pantas cakap nak check 'bawah'. Adoyaiii saket gila kena seluk ngan doktor laki tu, dah le dia badan besar kompem la tangan besar! Doktor tu bagitau dah bukak 2cm and trus dia discuss ngan doktor lain and they decided to cut me open immediately. What?!!!!

Another doctor explained to me that the baby was in distress and I was actually having contractions with no pain. Since the baby was in head-up position so I had to undergo a C-sect. Masa tu aku dah panik gila, hubby was nowhere to be seen and bila call rupanya dia pi minum Milo, huhu.. Nasib baik sempat jumpa salam, peluk cium sebelum disorong masuk OT. Takmo la cita bab dalam OT tuh, ngeri dan ngilu tapi yang pasti lepas dengar suara Ammar menangis rasa sayu sangat tapi sedih sebab tak boleh tengok dia, dorang dah bawak masuk ventilator and straight to NICU. Kejap je rupanya beranak through C-sect nih tapi lepas bius separuh tu dah abeh seksanya tuhan ja yang tau! Dah la takda sapa yang teman kat wad malam tu because the policy should be a woman below 50. My mom is over 50 and I have no sibling, menangis la aku malam tu sorang2 atas katil tahan sakit.. Ni la downside beranak kat hospital kerajaan, banyak karenah birokrasi.

Esoknya dapat jumpa my parents and hubby again during visiting time, trus kuatkan semangat bangun dari katil (saket!!!) and pergi NICU tengok Ammar. It was love at the 1st sight and seeing him so small sleeping and breathing is the most wonderful moment that I ever have in my life. I would never want to trade those moments with anything else! Another emotional part was to see him so vulnerable and fragile with wires and all.. Isk, takmo cerita la, sampai sekarang kalo ingat pun rasa nak nangis :(

Apa2 pun aku bersyukur sebab even bersalin @34 weeks++ tapi semuanya selamat. Walaupun Ammar is a preemie baby tapi berat dia cukup which is 2.65kg at birth and only stayed in ventilator for a short period and he started breathing on his own on the 3rd day of life. Alhamdulillah..

p/s: more details on next updates!

~ Finally.. ~

2009-11-18T22:30:00.001+08:00

I'm so happy! Finally hubby dah bleh tukar sekolah and pindah ke SP. Walaupun sekolah tu nun jauh kat Yan tapi kami dah bleh stay serumah tetiap hari bukan macam dulu weekend ja jumpa. Tapi saspen gak nak dok serumah ni (even dok ngan my parents), rasa macam pengantin baru plak padahal sebenarnya dah setahun setengah kawen. Bermula la rutin nak iron baju dia, nak prepare makan minum dia yang sebelum ni jarang sangat aku buat. Yela, sebelum ni masing2 dok ngan parents sendiri kan.. Tapi sebenarnya bab masak tu kompem mama buat, yang tu memang aku fail!

Living cost sama ja tak berubah, dulu hubby berulang dari AS - Bukit Kayu Hitam dalam 45 minit, sekarang berulang dari SP - Yan pun sama gak. Minyak and tol pun dah kira sama la. Aku plak berulang dari SP - BM, 45 minit gak. Jadinya nanti sorang menghala ke selatan sorang lagi ke utara, duit buang atas jalan la jawabnya huhu.. apa nak buat nama pun carik rezeki, janji dok skali and paling penting bleh tengok baby membesar depan mata tak lama lagi! InsyaAllah..

~ Overrated ~

2009-10-16T23:57:00.001+08:00

I went to watch Papadom with high expectation but came out from the hall 2 hours later with disappointment. I enjoyed the message of the movie but not the whole package of it. I think it was overrated. The comedy scenes were just so-so. After all, it was just a typical malay movie only slightly better than the others.

~ The Excitement ~

2009-10-09T00:01:00.003+08:00

It has been a while and everything does change in the past several weeks. Last raya was great especially the food. Since I really got my appetite back, I enjoyed attending open houses and finally managed to gain some more kilos! Currently weighs at 56 kilos and in my 26th week, I'm pretty satisfied the numbers are really on track according to the chart given by the doctor.

Lately, I love to eat at nasi kandar restaurant, not because of the briyani but I crave for my unusual menu of 'nasi putih + kari telur ikan + kerang + kuah campur + susu lembu panas'. I must have them at least 1-2 times a week because they are super duper yummy. Luckily my stomach can really accept milk again, Alhamdulillah.

By the way, I'm so excited because I've already started buying baby stuff! I've been out to various malls and baby stores since the last two weeks and had spent a lot on buying those cute apparels. I never thought shopping for baby was so much fun, I'd love to do that always! The last time I checked, almost all items on my baby list have been stroked out! The rest is going to be completed by the end of this month and that means more shopping, hehe..

We went for a checkup yesterday and everything is good except the baby is still in 'head-up' position but the doctor said he still got plenty of time to turn before the birth. Next check up will be on 19th November which will be on my 32nd week. Meanwhile, I'm going to 'persuade' and slow talk to baby so he can turn his head down as soon as possible since the womb will be smaller for him later.

~ Luncai dan Labunya.. ~

2009-10-05T21:43:00.006+08:00

Sedapnya ngata orang kan?! What should I do?! The best way is to shut my ears, close my eyes, recite Alhamdulillah and let it go.. Aku jugak yang dapat pahala. Kenal aku pun tidak sesedap ja mulut nak komen apa bagai. Mungkin hidup korang ni kurang best kot?! Ke masih tak puas hati kes lama?!

By the way, I don't have time to dwell into that anymore because I'm too busy with my current life! Terjun la wahai si luncai dengan mat labu sorang tuh ke dalam sungai yer..

~ A Rough Week ~

2009-09-06T09:47:00.005+08:00

Sepanjang minggu ni asyik tak sihat ja. Mula2 jangkit selsema + bersin dari aby sejak isnin lepas tapi sebab tak mau makan ubat punya pasal, biar camtu ja. Masuk ja rabu dah tak tahan so aku pi la klinik panel amek MC, jawabnya kena ponteng posa la. Doktor ada bagi ubat low dose untuk orang pregnant cam aku, tapi still tak berani nak makan. Kalo bleh nak elak makan2 ubat time pregnant neh!

Ari kamis ada checkup dengan gynae kat private. Punya la excited sbb checkup ngn gomen 2 minggu lepas tak leh tengok baby masa scan (refer last entry). Timbang berat dah turun plak 0.5 kg, so skrg dah jadi 52 kg. Apa nak jadi nih, sebelum pregnant berat 53 tapi skrg dah masuk 21 minggu berat menten kat 52 ja, mcm mana?!! Masa scan baby sihat, tanya gender doktor kata boy tapi tak official. Dah 2 doktor kata boy ni, rasanya btul la kot.. Alhamdulillah.. Doktor pun dah start bagi obimin, harapnya dengan makan obimin + pil kalsium (ganti susu sbb tak leh minum) baby akan sihat memandangkan mak dia ni dok menten kurus ja.

Masa sahur pagi jumaat terpaksa gak amek ubat selsema tuh, tak tertahan dah rasanya hingus meleleh. Kesannya mengantuk sepanjang ari plak and aku dah start risau takut effect baby. Malam lepas buka posa ikut aby balik AS sbb dia kena ganti skolah esoknya. Sahur malam tu dah xlalu makan sbb idung dua2 belah tersumbat, naya btul bernafas kot mulut ja. Lepas babai aby pi keja sambung tido tp terjaga plak sbb sesak nafas. Maunya tak, lubang idung dua2 tersumbat. Dengan sabarnya aku tunggu aby balik keja then kui 3 pi klinik. Doktor tu pun macam blur2 ja cek aku, dia bagi ubat tp macam besa aku tak makan. Aku ponteng posa lagi, huhu..

Sepanjang ari tu mmg dah perasan baby tak gerak. Dok terpikir la sbb makan ubat selsema semalam ke yang buat dia ngantuk gak. Sampai ke malam pun tak gerak gak so panik la aku ngn aby. Last2 aby bawak pi klinik lain plak pi scan (gynae tetap aku kat SP tp dah minggu ni kat AS terpaksa bantai je pegi klinik biasa). Bila nampak heartbeats baby rasa lega sangat, then amek kesempatan tanya doktor baby boy ke girl, dia kata boy jugak. Confirmlah baby boy sbb 3 doktor berbeza dah kata camtuh, Alhamdulillah!

Cerita ari ahad plak bangun pagi ja dah memulas perut. 'Cherry berry' sampai 4-5 kali, rasanya gara2 terlebih minum orange juice tropicana kononnya nak dapat vitamin C untuk legakan selsema. Aduhai, macam2 jenis sakit dah nih. Dugaan pembawakan budak orang kata.

Isnin pun sakit perut lagi tp skit2 ja. Petang balik SP tapi perut mmg rasa tak best. Arini pi keja then tetiba idung berdarah plak.. Uwaaaa.. Apsal selalu sakit ni, takutnya kesihatan aku yg tak berapa elok ni akan effect baby. Harapnya esok dah sihat, InsyaAllah.

p/s: panjang entry ni and dalam bm plak tuh, hehe

~ The Checkup ~

2009-08-23T12:50:00.001+08:00

I just came back from my monthly checkup at a government clinic with hubby and it was lame as usual. The only interesting part is to hear the baby's heartbeats. The doctor did an ultrasound but didn't bother to turn the screen towards me even when I asked for it. What is the point of doing it if the parents couldn't feel the excitement of seeing their baby growing up in the womb?! Well, it's a free service after all so no complaint.

I asked the doctor about the gender and she said the genital parts look like a boy. Hmmm.. I'll confirm it with my gynae in next couple of weeks. Hubby and I planned to have our baby at a private facility so I'm just doing the monthly checkups with general hospital in order to maintain my 'buku merah' (just in case anything will not happen as planned).

The only thing that worries me is my weight. After I dropped 3 kgs in the first 4 months into pregnancy, I only manged to gain back 2.5 and now I weigh at only 52.5 which is still quite far behind the expected digits at 54.5 kgs. I need to try hard and eat more for the baby!! But it's already Ramadhan and I'm afraid I'll drop some more. How?!

~ Recovered ~

2009-08-09T17:33:00.005+08:00

I almost forgot how much I love to eat. Now that I'm feeling so much better, I crave for everything that comes to mind! For the past 2-3 weeks, I only threw up 3-4 times a week but who cares?! Compared to what I had been through the previous months, it's considered nothing. I'm on the mission to 'ganti puasa', and still has the remaining 3 days to go. Chayok!

Another thing is my nose is not as sensitive as before and it's such a relief. I start to wear perfume, skincare and make-ups again and I have return to the old bubbly EcLaSs. Families, friends and colleagues are glad to 'have' me back. Oh! I'm driving again, went to Alor Star last week and met in-laws after a long time.

P/S: I was half-way through the entry when I decided to stop and drove to Leomag just to get a Blueberry Cheese Waffle (I drool just by looking at the picture above). I ate the whole waffle and drove back home and completed the rest of this entry! Life couldn't be much happier. Alhamdulillah..

~ The 1st Trimester Experiences ~

2009-08-02T16:31:00.003+08:00

I really want to share some of the experiences I had during the 1^st 4 months of pregnancy. Besides, they will be my references for my 2nd pregnancy in the next 3-4 years, insyaAllah. Here they are:-

I went for a trip in Kuching during week 6^th with hubby on our 1^st anniversary. We couldn’t cancel since everything had been booked a month earlier. It turned out to be the worst trip ever due to nausea & vomiting I had to endure. I didn’t enjoy it and I cried almost all the time because I was so uncomfortable. I hate the trip I don’t even bother to see all the pictures taken there up until now (that’s why not a single picture uploaded on my FB / Friendster). I also forbid myself not to wear the same clothes and shoes I wore in Kuching because the thought of them will make me puke!
I cannot smell perfumes and deodorant. I made hubby promised not to wear them whenever he is with me. I was also not wearing any of it and stay away from those who wear them.
I cannot stand the smell of any skincare and make-ups. I avoided them on my skin, I practically had bare face all the time and my colleagues said I looked so sick and some even said I didn’t take my morning shower! (Don’t worry, I never fail to have one every morning)
I had problems with my own bathroom. Usually a bathroom will always has a trail of scents whether it is shampoo, soap, shower foam, toothpaste, scrubs etc but they really annoyed me. I always ended up vomiting once I entered the bathroom. I tried various air freshener and replaced the toiletries with some new fragrances but they never solve the problems. At last, I decided to minimize my time in that much dreaded room. Sometimes I brushed my teeth and washed my face at kitchen sink.
This one is funny! At some times, I couldn't smell my own poop. Imagine throwing out while you're pooping, weird right?!!
I gave up rice but forced myself to have it 1-2 times a week for energy booster. I also gave up durian and milk, the two things I had no problem to consume before I got pregnant. Furthermore, I couldn't drink any plain water except anything with color such as sunquick, milo and sirap.
I cannot drive because it will make me dizzy. Lucky enough I have a car pool partner. Due to this, I hadn't been to Alor Star for a long time. It was hubby who came to SP every weekend.

Every pregnancy is different and I like reading others' stories in the pregnancy forum just to compare with my own ones. Pregnancy does make us, the expectant mothers different and weird, right? But it's worth once you get to see and hold the baby. And I can't wait for the moment.. Hope both the baby and I will be OK throughout the pregnancy :)

~ A Tale Of A Pregnant Lady ~

2009-08-01T15:56:00.004+08:00

It was a bumpy and never-ending roller coaster ride. Not the one that rushes your adrenaline high enough to give you excitement and energy but the type which leave you sick of puking out all over the places. That’s what I thought for the past 4 months..

I always imagined being pregnant is a wonderful experiences, it’s the labor that I fear most. Of course I have the general ideas of a pregnancy; morning sickness, bladder problems and hormonal imbalances etc but I was so sure I could handle them because it is normal by nature, right? Unfortunately when I experience it in hand, the 1^st 4 months into it was the hardest time. It hit me by storm and totally changed my life 100%!

The nausea and vomiting had made me so weak and I stopped taking care of myself, sometimes I forgot to comb my hair. I never cared about my look or whatsoever, instead, all I wanted to do is lie down and sleep so I couldn't feel them. I threw up 2-3 times a day (4-5 times on the worst day) and had trouble eating. Thanks to hubby who kept buying KFC nuggets, yong tau fu, ice cream and iced milo (they seemed the only food I could tolerate). As the result, I managed to prevent further weight loss which I stopped at 3kg on week 15^th.

I was so glad the nausea and vomiting started to abate during week 14^th.Even though the queasiness stays for 2-3 days of each week later on, at least I got my life back. Everything starts to look normal again and I try to savor the good feeling as much as I can! I’m hoping for a happy experiences in this 2^nd trimester and also the next one, insyaAllah..

p/s: now at week 16th ++

~ A Grumpy Lady ~

2009-05-31T20:41:00.004+08:00

I'm going to have a break from blogging since I'm not feeling good nowadays. The nausea and vomiting have really took all the comfort and happiness away from me. I'm officially a grumpy lady for the current being and might stay the same for the next couple of months. I don't have many readers and followers here but I'm happy to announce my pregnancy. It's still too early to celebrate (now at week 7++) but I pray to God for everything to be okay throughout this pregnancy..

Goodbye for a while..

~ How Does A Bag Affect You?! ~

2009-05-09T14:21:00.007+08:00

I went to Pacific @ Alor Star Mall last weekend and caught my eyes on a gorgeous white handbag. I have been longing for another Guess bag and a white one to complete my handbag varieties (I don't have so many but enough to mix and match with my attires) and the thought of buying this one could be a '2-in-1' package which consists of a white handbag and it's from Guess!

Still.. I had a 50-50 thought considering whether to spend a big fortune just for a bag or keep the money for good. In the end I left the mall without buying it because 500 bucks were considered expensive. Besides, If I really wanted the bag I planned to make the purchase at Guess retail outlet for the sake of getting it's signature paper bag (I love collecting paper bags!).

The downside of making the decision was I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept telling myself I didn't really need an expensive bag and I could get a cheaper one from Epsrit (found a nice one in white @ Queensbay) for just 150 bucks but my mind said no. Three days later right after work I went straight to Sunway Carnival to get the bag ASAP but sadly the pattern was not there.

My next trip to Alor Setar is in another 2 weeks, I couldn't wait any longer so last night hubby and I did the bag hunting in Penang. We didn't find the bag @ Queensbay, then rushed to Gurney Plaza later to found out luck was also not there. Lastly, we headed to Metrojaya @ Island Plaza on our way back to mainland and I was so happy to finally see the bag displayed on the rack! According to the salesgirl it was the last stock, without further ado I took it to the cashier and hubby offered to pay as our 1st anniversary present (I bought him 2 bottles of Ralph Lauren perfumes in return to make us even!).

The restless mind of wanting the bag is now over. I'm so happy to own the bag even though its rigid shoulder strap is kinda hurting my shoulder blade (fashion is pain!). I rarely experience the urge to buy something I really want desperately and now I realize how Becky Bloomwood feels every time she does some significant impulsive buying without putting so much thoughts about it (go girl!). Not that I never do the same before but I usually managed to calm down and forget about it (for example, I almost forgot about my dream shoes @ Charles & Keith) but this one was really intense and totally crazy!

P/s: Orang pregnant pun tak mengidam beg sampai macam nih kan..

~ The Mas Kahwin and The Lost Ring ~

2009-05-01T23:55:00.002+08:00

It's a Malay tradition for a new bride to spend her 'mas kahwin' to buy something pretty out of it (most probably jewelry). To be honest, I spent mine for daily expenses. I felt bad for doing so but I had no choice and before you judge me, I have strong reasons for that. I started my new job in May and that was the month I got married. The wedding preparation was already burning holes in my pocket and to make it worst, the 1st salary was paid 2 months later. I didn't want to burden hubby to pay everything for me so I made the sacrifice.

After life has been financially stable couples of months later, hubby and I were crazy going places and not to forget the multiple trips of shopping spree. At last, I kinda ignored the need to replace the money until recently that I realized our 1st anniversary is just around the corner.

It's my turn for 'duit kutu' this month so yesterday I dragged hubby to Habib right after work and buy myself a bracelet and an anklet. I feel good for paying off the 'debt' by getting jewelry as a symbolic to my 'mas kahwin'. Even though I'm no more a blushing bride but it's better late than never!

By the way, hubby is still sad about the lost of his wedding ring. Yep, he lost his platinum wedding band about 3-4 months after the wedding. Sigh.. It's not his fault though.. It's not our rezeki to keep it, after all marriage longevity does not depend on a ring. I wanted to replace it as a gift for our 1st anniversary but he refused. He afraid to loose something special again so he prefers silver ring since then. Poor hubby..

~ The Job ~

2009-04-30T23:51:00.002+08:00

Life had been busy due to extra long hours I need to endure during the last few days of e-Filing. I kinda like my job even though it was tiring. It gave me a lot of experiences such as meeting with different kinds of people every day and trying to find the best way to handle them. Some are nice but some are not, it depends on the approach I will take in order to make them understand what they don't. As a conclusion, my interpersonal skill has been incredibly improved! I hope to keep this spirit throughout my entire service with the organization.

~ He Heals Me by Indie Arie ~

2009-04-28T23:47:00.001+08:00

He heals me
Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said that makes me love more
And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man,
That I wanted in my life

And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me

I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I'm wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I'm not right.

And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

The moment that we met, he made me smile.
He has so much compassion in his eyes
I have no idea, how long he'll be here
A season or a lifetime, forever or a year
But for the first time in my life I'm not worried about the future
Because we have such a wonderful time when we're together
However things turn out, it's all right
Cause he's already changed my life.

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me..........

** I heard this ballad song on Ghost Season 2 and and love it since then. Keep playing it hundreds time a day!

~ Wonderful Weekends ~

2009-04-26T22:30:00.004+08:00

As I planned in previous entry, the Cameron trip has been materialized and it was a blast. Hubby and I enjoyed everything, the hotel room, colorful flowers, cold & windy weather and all places we visited especially the tea farms. The last time I went there was more than 15 years ago, even though hubby was there last November with his family but I couldn't come due to some reasons. The recent trip gave me sweet memories and I have them captured on 700++ pictures! I had tough time choosing which ones should be on friendster and facebook, HeHe..

Forget about the trip, let's move on to next story. Last night was also great. Hubby and I had a 'makan besar' with our family (the in-laws) @ Sala Classic and the food was all delicious. We had ikan kerapu, ikan siakap, lala bakar, sotong goreng tepung, tomyam, kailan ikan masin, abc and many more. We rarely dine out together so the get-together was really fun, in fact, I'm starting to adapt being in a big family (well, not really big but if compared to being the only child, it is sure to have some differences).

~ Vacations ~

2009-04-12T16:37:00.005+08:00

Hubby and I were supposed to be in Cameron Highlands for a weekend getaway but since I can't get a day off on Friday, we are postponing it to next weekend. We spent our free time talking about places we want to go in future and we ended up with quite a long list. I don't know whether we could afford to materialize all the plans in short time but I do know we will make it happen no matter how. We categorized the places in 3 categories:-

A) 2009 Vacations

Cameron Highlands - April '09 [Confirmed]
Kuching - May '09 [Confirmed]
Redang / Perhentian Island - August '09 [If we had some extra moolahhhhhh..]
N9, KL & Selangor - December '09

B) 2010 Vacations

Kelantan & Pahang - February '10
JB & Singapore - Between April '10 to June '10
Bandung and Jakarta - Between August '10 to October '10

C) 2011 Vacation and Onwards

Tioman Island
Bali
Hong Kong
Sipadan Island
Perth / Melbourne

The 3rd category is merely a plan since year 2011 and onwards are still a long way to go.. Still, we listed down the places we really want to go if we had the chances and money too!

The only problem is being a teacher has only entitled hubby with just 7-days annual leaves. Yep, he has several months off every year during school holidays but planning a vacation during these time is a big NO-NO. Every vacation spot will be packed with people and the air ticket and hotel rates are insanely high. Since he had already took 2 days off for our last holiday in KK, the remaining 5 days should be planned carefully. By the way, we are both happy to postpone everything if we found out I got pregnant during the time.

~ Emptiness ~

2009-04-04T20:39:00.004+08:00

The absence of someone important is making me depress during this weekend. Hubby is away somewhere in Perak as a chaperone to his students whom involved in drama competition. I've become restless without him. We rarely fail to meet every single weekend since that is our last hope to really be like other couples (sadly, we are singles on weekdays). Even though he gave me a short visit last Thursday, the happiness ended as soon as he left.

Friday was dull and exhausting but I forced myself to drive to the nearest shopping complex to do some window shopping. The thoughts of buying new clothes / shoes / things could cheer me up but I ended up buying nothing. So I guess not being with hubby is really affecting the way my mind works..

Saturday is not over but I'm still doomed with an emptiness feeling, not knowing what to do. Later, I was invited to hang out at Old Town with Hafiz, Yus and their baby Elfy. It was fun and I'm lucky to have friends around during a bad day (the downside: I felt a twinge of envy towards them for having what I want, a baby of course..).

There's only one thing left for me to survive this weekend: to start on Breaking Dawn, 4th book of the Twilight Saga. I love the first three books after I finished reading them but I do have the slightest feeling they are quite sickly-sweet a.k.a corny.. Regardless of that, I'm hooked to know what is going to happen next. To be honest I suspects reading these love stories has made me oversensitive this weekend. It might be possible though.. You see, I've been reading those books (almost 1500 pages to be exact) nonstop since last week, no wonder it grows in me.. He He :)

~ A Day Off ~

2009-03-16T23:51:00.004+08:00

I have a day off today due to the planned weekend in N9 which was shortened abruptly. Since this week is a school holiday and we got nothing to do, hubby wanted to bring me somewhere in order to make me happy. He couldn't endure another long hours drive a day before so he chose to go somewhere near, Penang Hill. We have tried to go up there a couple of times before but usually the place is always packed with people. Today was a lucky day, we managed to get some early tickets at 12.15 pm.

There's nothing much up there but I enjoyed jalan-jalan with hubby because that is the only time we are being alone from others and having stress-free moments in our own world.

We stopped by at Gurney Plaza, did some window shoppings (found nothing interesting as substitute to the wanted shoes) and watch 'Marley and Me' movie. I went back to SP with red eyes and feeling more miserable, the movie was so sad!!

Afterall, it's still a lovely day for both of us..

~ The Shortened Trip ~

2009-03-15T22:53:00.001+08:00

Last Saturday hubby and I went to N9 together with mama and abah to visit Granma and relatives. We planned to start our journey at 4.30 am but hubby and I couldn't get up so early because we stayed up late watching American Idol result show and Twilight the night before. So we left home at 7.30 am and reached Mantin at 2.30 pm (we got lost somewhere in KL, HeHe..).

After getting some rest at Granma's that afternoon, we went to visit some relatives in Felda LBJ and Mambau. Later at night, we made a plan to wake up early on Sunday and go visit my cousin in PD and have a picnic with the whole family there before we continue visiting other relatives. Meanwhile, hubby and I planned to slip out in the evening so we can go straight to Pavilion and buy my dream Charles & Keith shoes. That's my only chance!

While everybody was sleeping, abah got a call from Pak ngah telling Pak su had just passed away. We packed all our bags and drive straight to SP at 3.45 am. Poor hubby, he was so tired but I managed to make him stay awake during the journey. I couldn't drive a manual car and since we used hubby's, he had to endure the 14-hour drive within 24 hours all by himself.. Mama was so sad about his late-brother and abah is not really fit to do a long distance travel during a short time. They are old people and they must be more tired compared to us the young ones.. I was so worried during the whole journey back to SP but luckily everything went OK. Reached SP at 9.45 am and went to the funeral later. May Pak su rests in peace, Amin..

As for me.. I didn't get the Charles & Keith shoes.. I will still dreaming about it until I can get my hands on them..

~ A Tales Of Shoes ~

2009-03-10T19:56:00.001+08:00

One of my hobbies during free time is flipping through magazines (I'm a huge fan of Cleo) because they feature wide ranges of fashion, from the most expensive designers' labels to the local ones and they are always awesome. I admit that I am not a fashionista neither a fashion victim but I like to keep myself updated with what is 'IN' and what is 'OUT'.

For the past several months I've noticed Cleo has been featuring a brand new label in town. It's a label originated from Singapore which specialized in handbags and shoes called Charles & Keith. Since I'm living quite far away from KL, I only managed to drool over the pretty shoes just by looking at them on the magazine page. Lucky enough that I went to KK last month and I got chances to check out the outlets at 1Borneo and Warisan Square. The shoes are so gorgeous and pretty, in fact they are better than Blay and Primavera. Handbags are just so-so but all the price are affordable..

I was almost buying 2 pairs of shoes but changed my mind and bought a Nine West handbag instead. I thought it was a wise idea since I love the handbag but it's not. I've been dreaming about the shoes right after I got landed in Penang and up until now I'm still thinking of getting those shoes no matter how.

I've checked out the official website and found out that there are only 4 outlets in Malaysia: 2 in KK, 1 in Kuching and 1 in KL. That's it! I'm going to get them during my balik kampung trip to Negeri Sembilan this coming school holidays. Otherwise, I'm gonna be miserable!

~ Spring In Alor Setar ~

2009-03-09T18:20:00.003+08:00

I purposely made hubby stopped at Jalan Langgar, a main road nearby our house (inlaws' to be exact) so I can photograph a beautiful scenery of sakura-alike trees at full-bloom. I feel like Spring is here..

Pink flowers all over..

I'm liking the flowers!

I'm done, it's makan time!

~ The Laziness ~

2009-03-05T22:03:00.001+08:00

Yes, I do.. I really want to get a dream body but unfortunately it will not happen soon enough. I've stopped working out last February (or should I say, put it on hold for a while), right before I went on a vacation to Kota Kinabalu. After the vacation ended, I worked at double effort in order to catch up what I had left during my absence in office. The busyness made me so exhausted and too tired for any activities thereafter. Since then, my weight has been static at 49.5 kg and I have no time to make any progress to reach my target.

Two weeks later when the workload has lessen a little bit, I found it hard to start exercise all over again and not to forget I eat like crazy. I feel so lazy to reach the dumbbells, let alone the exercise mat. What is happening to me?! Help! I am half way to achieve my target, I better motivate myself (and my butt) to get up and exercise. I really want the extra kilos to be shed off as soon as possible so I get to wear my favorite skinny jeans.

I'm going to give my body another week to relax and regain the excitement so I can start all over again. Good luck to me!

~ Weekend ~

2009-03-01T15:19:00.002+08:00

Hubby and I went to Penang last Saturday just to check out Zoom Travel Fair which was held at Queensbay (saw the ads a night before). We surveyed all booths to find the best offer for our next trip to Kuching in October (if ada rezeki) but nothing was a bargain. In the end we made up our minds to plan the trip by ourselves instead of paying travel agents to do it and it'll be much cheaper.

Meanwhile, I'm interested to go to Cameron during school break in May / June, the hotel price offered is quite reasonable. Hmmm.. We'll see, maybe it'll be a weekend getaway to clear up tension and work stress before I sit for my 7-papers exam by the end of June. Gotta put this on my planner, 2D1N would be great! (still once again, if ada rezeki..). We might have a chance to stop by at Lost World..

After the fair, we managed to catch a movie since it's has been a while. We always go to the movies for at least twice a month but last February was so hectic and I couldn't find free time for that. The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button is sure a great movie, love it! I cried during the last 20 minutes and as a conclusion, whether we live our life as a normal human being or in reverse, death is a part of life..

Next, we went to do some shoppings. Honestly, I can't resist all the 'SALE' signs displayed on the window sills on most shops. Thank God I managed to restrict myself not to go overboard and just ended up buying 3 pairs of LaSenza cute bras and panties at great deals! Later, hubby and I went to Padini to redeem our accumulated cash vouchers and got a pair of shoes and a shirt without paying anything. One more thing, I finally redeemed the Guardian Paddington Bear stamps with a red tote bag, cute one!!

Reached home at 9.30 pm and hubby asked me to edit all his KK photos.. Uwaaaa.....

~ Busy ~

2009-02-25T23:53:00.003+08:00

I'm trying to get some free time to write all about my vacation in KK. Besides, hundreds of pictures still need to be selected and edited. Sadly, I'm either too tired or too busy right after I'm back in office. Hopefully, I'm going to be able to squeeze my time during weekend to do all those things..

~ Guilty ~

2009-02-19T23:44:00.002+08:00

I struggled to finish a bundle of files on my table at work, but I failed. This has left me feeling guilty since I'm all set for a vacation tomorrow. I hate it! I could imagine how stress it will be when I return to work on Tuesday, with KIV and incoming files waiting to be settled..

~ Weekend Treats ~

2009-02-14T13:44:00.007+08:00

I was busy for the last 3 days.. Workload is now tiring since I've moved up from being 'under training' to 'staff' starting January. Realize it or not, it has been almost 10 months since the 1st day I started my new job. The bond among us the new colleagues is tighter. Besides, there's no more gap between seniors and juniors..

I attended a CNY open house hosted by my senior and it was a blast. Don and I enjoyed it so much. Gone all the rules of bad food and good food. I ate everything served on the table and sang my heart out during the karaoke session. Note to myself: Double the workouts for extra satay, pudding, lai chi kang and junk food that I took without noticing (munching while enjoying others singing!). After all of my hard workouts, I deserved good treats for myself, yeay!

The early birds..

Don helps to do my part :)

Karaoke session!

~ Current Obsession ~

2009-02-10T20:33:00.005+08:00

I bought this DVD set last Sunday and been watching it for continuous hours. There is always one thing that can keep me occupied in front of a tv: watching beautiful people playing lovers! These two are too sweet and I'm hooked! I love Song Hye Kyo since watching her in Full House and Hyun Bin in Kim Sam Soon. I'm going to finish watching the whole 16 episodes by Thursday..

~ Goodbye.. My Beloved Abu ~

2009-02-09T20:45:00.003+08:00

I just came back from a long weekend in Alor Star when mama told me Abu is now gone. Yesterday, a girl riding a motorbike ran over him and he died on the spot. Stupid girl!!

Even though I currently have more than 10 cats at home but I love them equally. Cats are like friends, they are some kind of a companion to a lonely girl like me.

As a cat lover, loosing him really makes me sad..

~ Grateful ~

2009-02-08T01:01:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah… That’s all I can say…
I’m happy at where I am…
As long as I know it for myself
The rest wouldn’t need to…

~ 4 More To Go ~

2009-02-04T20:08:00.001+08:00

It has been a month from the day I started sculpting workout and exercise together with healthy diet. I’m getting good result so far and my body is healthier and slimmer. I’ve dropped 3 kilos easily but since my target is 7, there are still 4 kilos to be shed off in another 6 weeks!

I always believe in exercise rather than restricting myself for not taking certain groups of food. For me, to understand your body is as simple as mathematic. If you consume more than you need, the excess energy will be stored as fat. But if you move your body a lot with exercises, walks, opting for stairs rather than elevator or do any other activities that require you to keep moving: you will use more energy. It is up to you whether to eat less / opting for low calorie food and does some exercises or; eat as much as you want and at the same time double your activities!

As for me, I cannot sacrifice all of my favorite foods so I prefer to move a lot and eat whatever I like!

~ A Tale Of A So-Called Celebrity ~

2009-02-03T21:23:00.007+08:00

A mutual friend of mine informed me something which really amused me… I can't help myself to response.

What’s so important about it?!
Does the world revolve only around you?!
Are you a VVIP or a celebrity?!
Does all about you is patented with copyright?!
Does that mean I need to remind myself whenever taking pictures?!
So that I’d not end up with a same pose like you?!
Stupid isn’t it, anyone can do that but me?!
Don’t you think it’s a coincidence?!
Rather than thinking someone copying you and should be ashamed?!
By the way, which one is the same?!
I don't even know which one you are talking about!
Don’t you realize you also do things similar to me?!
Like putting icons and frames on your edited pictures?!
Do I need to say more about that?!
But I didn’t because for me it’s common…
I don't have any superior feeling judging you on that!
My advice for you, be wiser and stop acting like a celebrity!
Because you are not, you are just a normal person like any others..

~ Paddington Stamps ~

2009-02-02T19:58:00.002+08:00

I love to shop at Guardian because there are so many things you can get there. Besides, it always offers the best price for its goods (especially toiletries and beauty products) with a lot of freebies, twinpacks, coupons, vouchers and recently the Paddington Bear stamps.

I started collecting the stamps last December and by the end of January, I’ve already have 20 stamps on the card. By the way, I’m still short of 10 stamps before I can get a cute Paddington tote bag for free (I’ve been eyeing it since I got the 1st stamp!).

The thing is, each stamp costs me RM25 and I already have 20. That means I’ve already spent at least RM500 at Guardian in order to collect 20 stamps in less than 2 months! Come to think of it, it’s a lot of money just to be spent at a shop like Guardian. So I open my cupboard (a place where I keep all stocks of toiletries / beauty products) just to check what things did I buy with the amount of money. Kept in place are bottles of shampoo, conditioner, shower foams, tubes of sunblock, facial foam, lotion, body cream, boxes contain hundreds of pantiliner, packets of sanitary pad, and many more. As a conclusion I have everything supplied for at least 3-4 months and some I don’t really need much. What a waste!

Suddenly, I feel that I was too obsessed collecting stamps without realizing I was buying things I don’t really need / already have. I wish I could exchange the stamps with money instead, but I can’t… Uwaa… Sob… Sob…

Enough is enough, no more stamps for now on. Stupid me!

~ Aunt Flow ~

2009-02-01T21:46:00.002+08:00

Aunt Flow made a decision to pay me a visit at the beginning of February..
I guess I should try again, but this time harder!
After all, there's a plenty of time for me to try.
I'm still young! And there's more!
I can continue my sculpting workouts and that means more kilos to be shed off, Hoorey!
Forget about Aunt Flow and start a new day :)

~ February ~

2009-01-20T20:21:00.004+08:00

I can't wait for February to come. Here's the reason:-

Latest news of Aunt Flow - What's her decision?! To visit or not?!
Reduced weights after a month of exercising and consuming healthy food
Much awaited vacation to Kota Kinabalu - It'll be my 1st visit to Borneo
Latest news about bonus - How many months are they going to pay?! Big figures please!
Kittens - There's gonna be new additions into my furry friends' family
Latest episode of Heroes - More Peter Petrelli!!

~ Move Your Body ~

2009-01-06T21:35:00.002+08:00

As promised, the body makeover has just started today! Even though it's still a long way to go but I'm willing to work hard so I can get what I want. It's quite hard to stop eating the unnecessary food but the image of those skinny jeans, curvy blouses and leggings have kept me disciplined. The new regime will be like these:-

Breakfast - consists of low fat milk with wheats / cereals / wholegrain bread
In between meal at 11 am - consists of wholegrain crackers / biscuits / fruits
Lunch - a cup of rice with a fish / chicken breast / meat / seafood with a lot of vegetable
In between meal at 5 pm - consists of wholegrain crackers / biscuits / fruits
Dinner - a cup of rice with a fish / chicken breast / meat / seafood with a lot of vegetable
Supper - consists of wholegrain crackers / biscuits / fruits
A Weekend threat - consists of anything I want to eat such as pizza / cake etc

The most important part is a 30 - 45 minutes session of sculpting workout and exercise three times a week.

~ Saya Gemok ~

2008-12-30T19:49:00.002+08:00

I just realized that my shape is getting worse. My butt is bigger than two coconuts put together. My waist looks like a baobab tree trunk and the thighs are much alike a rhino's drumsticks! Worst of all, I cannot fit into my skinny jeans. I bought 2 pairs of jeans at Forever 21 in October with different cutting. I wear the first one and ignore the other one deciding to keep it for later. Last week, while I was doing some packing for a vacation in Langkawi, I tried on some clothes and found out a shocking truth that I couldn't pull the new jeans up to my hip! That's suck! It was just 1 1/2 months away.. Later I tried the other jeans and pants and they too couldn't fit into my bulging stomach and the bigger-than-ever ass.

At the end of the day, I went straight to The Store and bought me a new pair of jeans from Voir. I promised myself to get back into shape soon enough so I can dress stylishly in my beloved (currently unfitted) Guess / Levi's / Forever 21 pair of jeans. Currently, for the fat moment, the local one will do.. Uwaaaaaaa...

~ 2 Become 1 ~

2008-12-20T20:05:00.000+08:00

I merged my 2nd blog on blogger with the one on friendster.
But still.. I'm missing my 1st blog, which has hundreds of entries back in 2003 up to 2005
I was actively blogging at that time :)
Feel stupid that I deleted them all..
I even deleted the account back then.
It's gone.. Kaput!

Better it be that way, it was full with miserable stories, heartbroken and all.
New title, new page, new url
But it's the same old me..

~ MeLaWaN KeSePiaN ~

2008-10-08T22:51:00.000+08:00

On the same day after I had a bad dream (refer to previous entry), I heard a song by Dato' Siti. It was played on the radio while I was on my way to town with hubby. I never heard this song before but considered that I was still emotional and not fully recovered, I cried for the 2nd time on that day. Hubby was worried and urged me to stop thinking about the dream. Here's the lyric:

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata tertahan
Waktu untuk dijatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apa pun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan...
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku...

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti

~ A DeAd WiFe ~

2008-10-08T12:31:00.000+08:00

I had this weird dream 2 weeks ago and it still haunts me somehow. You know how messy dreams might be but I could still remember this one with a vivid detail... It started with a scene where Haley and Nathan from One Tree Hill TV Series talking (I had no idea why they were in the dream...) and suddenly it changed to a scene by the lake.

I saw a man sitting on a rock staring blankly into the calm water from afar. He looked sad and lost in his own thoughts. He didn't even realize when I came near him, so I said hi. He responded by turning his head and then back again gazing into the glassy water. I asked him why he's sitting there all alone. He cried and said, "My wife is dead, I miss her so much but I'm only left with the memories of her. It's so hard living without her, wanting to see her again but I know it's impossible."

Without any respect for his feeling, I asked again whether he wanted to marry or maybe fall in love with someone new and he replied with a short answer, "It's not easy to forget her..."

I left and by keeping some distance, I watched him for quite some time. I could feel the sorrow and deep down inside I wished to know him better and help to ease his pain. Then, I woke up in tears...

Here comes the weird part. The man is actually my husband, Zul. He didn't recognize me and I myself saw him as someone that I didn't know in the dream. I was in the dream but the talking and seeing were through somebody's else body. Although people says dreams are just "mainan tidur" but still I can't help myself to stop thinking and replaying it in my mind over and over again. Does it mean that I die? Does the girl talking to Zul is someone new who will replace me?! It was traumatic to see his face crying over my death and that was the worst part of all...

Despite of a bad dream, it made me realize to always think about death... Kita didatangkan dari Allah dan kepada Dia juga kita dikembalikan. So we need to cherish and spend time with our loved ones as much as we can because tomorrow is not a promise.

May Allah bless both of us and our loved ones with healthy long life. Amin.

~ A BuN iN tHe OvEn?!! ~

2008-08-11T00:23:00.000+08:00

There's a question most newlyweds need to answer once they've been married for more than 2 months:

"Dah ade ke?!"

It's normal for some people, normally the old folks to ask this kind of question to the newlyweds months after the wedding. But for the opposite, it might be a sensitive topic which ends up with a slight smile as the only answer or a big-wide grin as a sign to a good news they've been waiting to announce.

For me, the answer is still NO and I hope this will clear up all the question marks on everyone's head (friends who keep asking..) I'd love to start a family with the man I love right at this moment in order to make our life complete as a whole.. To be honest, I envy every new parents with their cute newborn babies cuddled in their arms. I can see and feel their happiness and I'd love to be one of them as soon as possible..

But the timing doesn't really give me too many options. Being hundreds miles away from hubby has made me hesitate to be pregnant or should I say, I'm afraid to be one! It's not that I don't want a baby but for me, to be pregnant with a first child is a precious moment of your life both to the father and mother. We can't repeat the special moments of finding out that you're pregnant, the frequent visits to clinic with hubby tagging along, the eagerness of welcoming a new addition to the family, the window shopping for the baby stuff, etc..

In simpler words, I don't want to experience my pregnancy with the absence of a husband, I want him to be with me from the very beginning until the end of it. I want him to soothe me after the morning sickness, rub my back when I'm not in the mood. How should he do that if we only managed to meet every 2-3 times a month?! I couldn't imagine how emo I can be..

For now, the plan of expanding Mr Don's clan needs to be postponed until I completed my courses in Bangi by the end of 2008. InsyaAllah, with the God's will, 2009 will be a good year for us to start a family. May God bless us, Amin..

~ JuNe: ThE pOsT mOrTeM & A tOuGh BeGinNinG ~

2008-06-07T00:20:00.000+08:00

Note: This entry is closely related to the last entry, it's better to be read after the last one..

Alhamdulillah.. May has ended and it's a wrap for all of the anticipated events that I listed before. Everything happened according to the plan and went so well the way they should be. Now, it's time for me to slow down and relax, look back and put it into words so I can recall some of the best moments / memories which have changed my life.

I've reported my duty last 2nd of May and I'm slowly adjusting and adapting to the new environment. I think I'm going to like it here and it'll not be a problem to work until I turn 58! Hubby wants me to consider a transfer to Alor Star but it'll take some time, it's a tedious and risky process after all. Meanwhile, I'm trying lobbying him to transfer to Penang / SP but for now we'll have to wait and see who's going to follow who in another 1 - 2 years..
I've got my new car on 29th April and being clumsy as I am, I already hit something resulted with very long and visible scratches. On the other hand, my driving skills have improved and finally I can give the driving license a good use! It's funny that I never pay much attention to traffic reports on the radio before but I do now, they really help!
The greatest events are the Akad Nikah Ceremony followed by Wedding Receptions. Last 17th of May, I'm officially called Puan Ikhlas. Even though the sound of ‘Puan' is not as good as what I feel but I'm glad we ended married to each other after 5 ½ years being together as a couple. It's a greatest feeling of all time. Both wedding receptions were superb, but I slightly regret for not having much time to spend with all friends who came by on my special day. Being the bride and groom was a hell lot of fun and pressure too, people wanting us from every direction and it was a really busy day. Busy with smiling, waving, greeting and posing!! We have cool photographers that I consider as friends who made the photo sessions became less intense and more relax. There're thousands of shots Zul & I had to choose from before I continue with the editing and artwork. Yes, the bride does the editing by herself, HeHe.. Lots of thanks to Mr Arie Gaban (http://ariegaban.fotopages.com), Mikagami (http://www.mohdalhafiz.com) and Asmady (http://www.studioaston.com) for all the great photos! (Still waiting from Asmady for his great captures!). One more thing, Zul and I were proud to wear all the attires designed and tailored by Abah!
Our honeymoon / vacation were postponed to August since I can't get any leave and I'm going to be in Bangi for 2 months, away from hubby. I'm sure I'm going to be miserable for the whole 2 months starting next 2 days, Uwaaaaaaa!! I guess this entry is a way of saying goodbye to friendster too. I'm going to be inactive for the next couple of months and it really sucks. A really tough beginning for the newly weds, sob.. sob.. sob..

I think I'm ready for anything. Ready to be a good wife, ready to be apart from hubby, ready to discover a new life after marriage and ready to fully commit with my new job. All I need is to be tough and put a little more patience in me in order for better things to comes. Till then..

~ mAy: ThE LiFe-ChAnGinG mOnTh ~

2008-04-20T21:28:00.000+08:00

April is coming to an end and I'm so excited for May to come. Why? Because it's a month full of drastic changes which will affect my so-called ordinary & boring life..

I'm going to report my duty (new job, yeay!) by 2nd of May. Finally I'll become a government servant. Ops! almost actually, it's just a statutory body. To be honest I'm so excited about it, not about the work but the $$$, HeHe.. I know I sound stupid but previously, working in a small company for almost 2 years had made me envies others. My previous salaries were not high (the title of semi-senior audit / account sounds too good to the ears but the pays really suck!) and all I can say is, factory operators who work OT, days & nights can get almost the same as me. Upon arrival of the offer letter, I was pretty dumbstruck just by looking at the numbers, it's almost triple than I got paid before! Sungguh jakun saya kali ni.. Alhamdulillah rezeki nak kawen agaknya and berkat doa all of my loved ones! I feel relieved that I'll be able to provide a better life for mama + abah and also lessen the burden on hubby dalam bab nafkah zahir dan duniawi, HeHe.. Psstt!! Don, I'll treat you KFC everyday, u like them so much don't you?!
In the 1st week of May I'm going to own a car for myself. Before this Abah was willing to send / fetch me everyday to / from work. In order to save money for the things I want, I buried down the thoughts of buying a car, yelah gaji tak seberapa kan.. When the parents offered, why not?! It's less hassle because I don't need to think about petrol and maintenance costs (sungguh jahat aku nih!). Starting in May, I need to work in Bkt Mertajam which is 40km from SP. Aiyoo, I don't drive often and the license has been too long hiding in my purse with complete ignorance. I really need to sharpen my driving skills and also learn to be independent ASAP (this is the bad side of being the only child, it's hard to be independent!). Petrol, tol & maintenance cost?!! Uwaaaaa, lucky me for not buying big and expensive car, it's just a Viva. We should support our national car, HeHe :P
The most important event of the month: I will marry the man I love on the 17th. There's no way I can explain how I'm feeling right now. We both are getting mushier by the days! Lovey dovey tak hengat! Even the last time he called mentioning that he just bought a family insurance for the two of us has made me touched and cried. I just can't believe that I'm going to be someone's wife in less than a month! Bahagia betul orang nak kawen nih, hopefully we'll last forever and this is going to be my own version of fairy tales for future-grandchildren! Contrary to the 'aahh I'm going to get married' happy thoughts, it's sad to think that our plan to decorate our house in Alor Setar is postponed to an unknown date. 1 year, 2 years or 3 years later?! A temporary solution is living separately and meet on weekends, me in SP with parents and hubby with his in AS. If we really miss each other, I guess we can meet during weekdays but it'll be tiring to go back and forth with long hour drive. I can't think of this it'll make me sad..
End of May will be our first vacation together, it's the honeymoon! Our original plan is to go outside Malaysia, Bali perhaps but seem the plan need to be postponed too. How should I apply for leave when I don't even know whether I'm entitled for 2-3 days off before & after the wedding. I'm the junior, remember?! I'd be grateful if I managed to get a day off before and after the receptions. Thus, honeymoon will only take place on weekend a week after both receptions, We'll leave on Friday after work and be back on Sunday evening. Kinda a short vacation but it's OK, we'll plan another trip in December, hopefully I can get a week off. But for now we both aim for Langkawi, less time to travel, beautiful view and we also had good memories the last time we went there with friends :)

In order to get a better life, better future and good career ahead for both of us & parents, there are things which need to be changed and sacrified. I think I'm OK with that, I'm willing to accept the difficulties and challenges living away from hubby. I also hope the process of learning to be independent & become tolerate, less stubborn will make me a better person in the eyes of my loved ones and also to others. May God helps me as always..

~ ThE eNd iS CoMiNg ~

2008-03-20T00:17:00.000+08:00

The day is coming and I'm so thrilled!! Nope, I'm not talking about the wedding, it's the last working day at my current workplace. After almost 2 years everything's gonna end in less than 10 days. Should I feel sad? No. Should I feel happy? Hell, I am! Hmmm.. but maybe a bit sad to leave 1-2 good colleagues but the rest is a total freedom..

Everybody starts leaving after new year.. Izs, Mas and Rita have already started their new lifes, Tini will leave 2 days before me, 2 weeks after is TLK and YHK will follow in a month later. There's nothing much to loose if I choose to stay except the keep changing new faces and triple workloads that need to be covered when people resign. One more thing, l don't have to go through the busiest peak time ever of the year this coming April - August and that's a big relief, Yeay!!

In the meantime, I'm just worried if I don't get a new job ASAP or at least by June. Deep down inside I'm still hoping to get a job with LHDN eventhough getting it means being apart from hubby-to-be, but that's a sacrifice I'd make for a better career and future. If the result is out by April and I don't make it, I guess I really need to concentrate on finding a job in Mr Don's hometown. On the positive side there's no worries on being weekend husband and wife!

I better start making a to-do list so I can be occupied for the whole 7 weeks before the wedding!! Oooooo, I'm so excited!!

~ PeOPle CaN bE sO wEirD ~

2008-03-01T17:09:00.000+08:00

Why people sometimes like to be so judgemental and bias toward others?! It is more sad when they make conclusions based on the surface without knowing the truth or at least knowing the person..

Gossips, observation from afar, or should I say browsing someone's profile online wouldn't give you any justification. Although nowadays more people prefer less privacy by exposing their life through pictures and blogs entries on the virtual world, that wouldn't portray 100% of someone's life. There's a lot more in real life to be interpreted before you can label / judge a person.

After a long time, I did find out recently that the hatred might still be there. I thought by choosing to hide myself away / be low profile for the past 3 months would make someone stop saying bad things about me, but it didn't. I guess it'll never stop. It's not my right to judge that person either but I just can't stop wondering, what's the purpose?!

Nonetheless, I prefer to continue what I've done best for the last 3 months. I think I've made a very wise decision and my life couldn't be much happier. Lucky me to find out about this one thing (even if there's more, let it be..), at least I know that I've been on a clean slate long time ago and it's not my fault anymore if someone didn't..

~ iMaGinE by JoHn LeNNoN ~

2008-02-28T00:14:00.000+08:00

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

~ The 'No' and The 'Yes' ~

2008-02-09T16:18:00.000+08:00

What happen when the 'No' is actually means 'Yes'?! Does it called being dishonest? Does it give impact on our life? Does it matter?

If u asked me a few months ago, I'd probably say it is indeed being dishonest, in fact it really matters and will give impact on our life.. Nowadays, my perception has changed a little bit. I'd say it does not matter anymore. People always say things which are not truly from their hearts. They tend to say things depend on situations which sometimes are good and on the other hands it might lead to something bad. We can't blame these people or even ourselves since every one of us has our own reasons to do that. If we needed a clarification for everything we do or other people do to us, it will be an endless story.

The important part is whether the truth should be accepted or not. If we knew the truth without even need to hear a 'Yes' or 'No' for an answer, just don't bother for clarifications why the 'No' is actually 'Yes' or why the 'Yes' means 'No'.. You see, truths will always be truths, a statement wouldn't change them.

For my scenario, I got a 'No' for an answer which is supposed to be 'Yes'. But since I already figured out the truth, I decided to accept it because it does not matter anymore and it won't affect my life in future. Who cares when the 'No' is actually means 'Yes' since it's merely a statement.. The answer is with you..

~ The Good and The Bad ~

2008-02-04T00:07:00.001+08:00

I believe I'm better since da last emo entry.. It's been months now and no more emo, no more sadness, no more heart feeling.. Since I've made up my decision to take all those steps, now I'm finally at ease.. I shud haf started dat earlier, stupid me!

Life is gud.. I'm counting da days till my wedding in May.. But to be honest I'm quite scared and sad.. Scared dat I'm not really ready to be a wife and sad to be living away from my parents soon enuff.. I noe I shudn't feel dat way bcoz I'll be only 45-minutes-away from them.. But still it'll be hard for me to live without them being around 24/7.. Being da only child has made me attached to them since I was young.. They're da reason I'm staying in my hometown.. I rather forget all the fun living in big cities bcoz being wif them already made me happy..

There's only one thing which is not gud in my life rite now, it's my job.. Actually da job is OK but I cudn't stand da politics and da bad 'aura' going around in my workplace.. I planned to stay for at least 3 years to get my professional qualification but at dis moment I cudn't see myself working here for another 6 months.. Huaarrrggggggggghhhh!! I hate it.. I'm totally stressed wif da workload and da negative aura sorrounding me.. I'm still confused wif what shud I do rite now.. May God give me da answers.. Amin..

~ Freedom ~

2007-11-28T21:16:00.000+08:00

I've been emotionally unstable 4da past 5 months.. Kejap ok, kejap tak ok.. At one point I can forget but on da other it seems like I can't.. It was such a big blow 4me but yeah, I'm learning to accept it even tho it'll take some times. Da past is da past, let bygones be bygones.. I dun wanna stuck like dis 4ever, there's so much more to come. I better embrace what I haf and move on like nothing happened.. Future is more important compared to da past..

Ur head says dat u are absolutely recovered but ur heart may say no.. Da scar is still there, there's nothing can be done and no one to be blamed to.. I'm da one who has da power to stop it.. So I've decided enuf is enuf.. I've got the eliminate everything dats makes me annoyed / sad / angry / etc..

1st step, by setting my profile to private. I dun want any unwanted person dropping by and grab da oppurtunity to use it by scrutinizing every little thing I do.. It's so annoying, really.. I never haf an intention to show off when I upload any pic on my frenster, it's just 4fun and 4myself.. Never mind if I just go holidays around da neighbourhood or even abroad, but hey dis is my page.. As long I'm happy and never disturb others then what's wif da bitching?! I dun haf so much money 2go travel around malaysia, anything dat makes me happy I'll go 4 it..

I haf my mistakes too.. Starting from now on, I will never wander 2places I shudn't be.. By doing dat it'll hurt me more, knowing people bitching and talk bad things about me.. Connecting to da related people who got me into dis mess wudn't do any better.. For my own good, I made promises to myself & to him dat I'll help myself to fully recover.. for a better me.. I believe I can make it :)

~ I'm Lost ~

2007-11-21T22:35:00.001+08:00

At 1st everything was so gud. Da eagerness was still there, da fresh feeling lingered in every moment of it. It was da new world to be explored, learned and experienced. I always stay calm and faced every obstacles wif patience, head held high. I remembered feeling on da top of da world when hard efforts being recognised and made me wanna do better. Being positive really did help me a lot.. Nowadays, all da glory and gud feeling is no more wif me. My ducks in a row haf been scattered along da way and I'm lost. Lost of hope, lost of confidence, lost of positive thinking and worse, lost of focus..

My so-called perfect plan is not really workin' bcoz I can't see myself in future being someone dat I planned to be. Does 24 is too early or am I too late to change my future? It's good to see people around me started to get their pieces fit together but in da same time I'm so frustrated bcoz mine were still looping here and there. What to do? Fate is in God's hand but it is up to da person to change it for a better. Da question is, do I need to change da path dat I'm currently taking? Or shud I be patient and stay for a bit longer?! I'm so lost..

~ I'm Lost ~

2007-11-21T22:35:00.000+08:00

~ HeadLines ~

2007-11-10T20:56:00.000+08:00

The time is now or never, to fit the missing piece
To take this on together, you make me feel complete
We fall into the future, and through the looking glass
The light shines over our heads, and so it comes to pass

To go beyond the surface, to reach into your soul
This love is not demanding, my heart has told me so
I hold onto my heroes, with faith enough to fly
The power to imagine, will keep this love alive

Chorus:
Let's make the headlines, loud and true
I wanna tell the world I'm giving it all to you
Let's make the headlines, loud and clear
The best things suddenly happen when you are here
And if I lost my way you'd carry me home
Take me all the way to heaven, never leave me alone
And it's just like everything matters when you are near

And it feels so good every bells gonna ring
Your love is alive and it's making me sing
I could fly, wanna cry, want the whole world to know
We are together, come on baby let's go

And words yet to be spoken
Will fall upon the page
Spelling out true devotion
Is all we need to say

Chorus:
Let's make the headlines, loud and true
(Say you love me and I'll say I love you too)
I wanna tell the world I'm giving it all to you
(Just remember what simple words can do)
Let's make the headlines, loud and clear
(All that I have I give to you my friend)
The best things suddenly happen when you are here
(Just remember friendship never ends)
And if I lost my way you'd carry me home
Take me all the way to heaven, never leave me alone (everything)
And it's just like everything matters when you are near (matters when you're near)
(Say you love me and I'll say I love you too)

Chorus:
Let's make the headline true this time
(Just remember what simple words can do)
There's no hiding from this magical state of mind
(I feel loved with you, I feel loved with you)
And if I lost my way you'd carry me home (I know, you take me, all the way to heaven)
Take me all the way to heaven, never leave me alone (everything)
And it's just like everything matters when you are near (matters when you're near)
(Everything matters, it really matters)

Lets make the headlines, loud and true
(I feel loved with you, I feel loved)
Lets make the headlines

‘Cause I'm giving it all
Yeah I'm giving it all to you

~ HaTe ThaT I LoVe 2 ~

2007-09-27T01:25:00.000+08:00

I love dis song so much.. really like it.. I'm in da mood of love bebeh :)

"But I hate it.. You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you..For too long that's wrong"

"And I hate how much I love you boy..
I can't stand how much I need you..
And I hate how much I love you boy..
But I just can't let you go..
And I hate that I love you so.."

Keep it in ur heart dat I'll always be there.. I'll keep lovin' u even if one day u'd stop doin' da same.. No matter what happen I'll stay.. bcoz dat's my nature..

~ HaTe ThaT I LoVe ~

2007-09-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

[Rihanna:]
As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

[Ne-Yo:]
Yeaahhh... Oohh...

[Rihanna:]
As much I love you (as much as I need you)
As much as I need you (oooh..)
As much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so...

~ BeYoNd ThE eXpEcTaTiOn ~

2007-09-25T19:29:00.000+08:00

I've gone too far this time.. It's beyond my expectation and it's already considered unhealthy. I lost 10 kgs in less than 6 months and it's crazy. At first I thought it was an achievement, yep it was. I started at 53kg and my goal was to reach 46kg. Time passes by and the target achieved, but then the numbers keep dropping and now I'm at 42.5kg, I'm totally underweight!!

What I've done wrong? I didn't really notice that I keep loosing weight because I was happy enough to be at 45kg. I didn't adopt any unhealthy or strict diet, I did enough research so I won't get into those California, Atkins, etc. I eat anything I want, carbohydrate, fat, protein but of course in moderation.. What I do is to follow my workout routine which involve muscles training + weight lifting + skipping which I do 2-3 times a week, it's not considered excessive right?!.. The most important thing, I never throw up after each meal, that means I'm not having an aneroxia / bulimia problem, thanks God..

I've done this before but the total weight loss was only 8 kgs and not to forget I started at 55kg but it was 3 years ago.. Whatever it is I gotta find a way to gain some more, maybe 45kg so I'll look healthy again..

It's hard being a girl, it's not the issue on what people perceive on our look, it's just how our mind is working differently. We want to be pretty for ourselves, wanting to satisfy our own need which something can jeopardize something else.. I need to be normal again and not look like a skinny girl who has an incurable disease.. HuHu..

~ ThE HoPe HaS bEeN ShATteReD ~

2007-09-08T23:55:00.000+08:00

What I've done wrong dat everything turns out to be like dis?! I haf a heart like everybody does, but why some people think it's up for a game.. They took it for granted.. Why they think I wudn't be touched wif wat happen around me, do they think my heart is made of stone?! How strong someone cud become, da heart will always remain a fragile thing.. It applies to any human beings..

Heart broken can't be mend wif words, neither can't be mend wif forgiveness nor actions.. Only time will heal.. In da meantime, how one will survive if there's no timeline given?! It cud be 1 minute, 1 day, 1 month, 1 year or maybe forever..

I'm fighting wif my own will to go on wif my life even tho da hope has been shattered again and again.. May God gives me enuff strength to go on living.. Amen..

~ ThE PiEcEs DoN't FiT aNyMoRe ~

2007-09-08T20:25:00.000+08:00

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching us fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Coz I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

** When will it end?!!

~ ThE PaInTeD CaNvAs ~

2007-08-27T18:13:00.000+08:00

The white canvas has been touched

It was painted with colors, mostly red & black

I really want it to be blank, plain & white

Untouched in it's original state..

Yet it has been unintentionally painted

I can't reverse it so I made changes

I painted the whole canvas with white oil

I thought I will feel better but it's not

Nobody wouldn't notice the differences

Yet I'm the one who holds the truth

There's nothing I can do except learning to accept it

After all, black and red are a nice combination..

Life without colors will not be called a life..

Aja.. Aja.. Fighting!!

~ 2 Separate Worlds ~

2007-08-20T23:47:00.000+08:00

There's a lot of things going on in my mind 'n they made me feel dizzy. Do I feel sad? Yes.. Do I feel happy? Yes.. Which one I like the most? Both..

At some certain points in my life when things are always sunny, it is so bright dat I wish for some heavy rain to pour.. But when da days are too wet, I wanted so hard da sunlight to shine down on me again.. Weird huh?! I have my reasons..

When things are not on da rite way, I have the opportunities to scream, shout, weep, angry, kicking ass and being moody as hell 'n I don't need to even care about others.. It is da time for me to be lost 'n alone into my own world..

On da brighter day, I can be da other me.. Living life to da fullest, savoring every little taste of joy, laughing my heart out, 'n da best, being surrounded by the loved ones. It's priceless..

Yup, we should not live a life full with dark paths, neither we shud in a life full of gems.. A little bit of both, here 'n there will give us the perfect life.. Still, I don't want a perfect life, I just want to separate my world into 2.. for me.. 'n for my loved ones..

Complicated? Yes, I am..

~ Gud Ol' Days ~

2007-08-09T20:06:00.000+08:00

I really miss da gud ol' days back in school.. Da days when I was so young anything seemed so easy.. Forget all da puppy loves, crushes 'n fights, life is just easier without any responsibility.. They were da days I cud do anything without giving so much tots over it but still enjoyed them so much.. Any mistake was considered a lesson, later, life went on as usual and the lesson learned.. But when I get older, it's getting harder to act basically on my instinct anymore 'coz it's too risky.. There are others' feeling dat need to be taken care of.. Mistakes will eventually set the loved ones away..

~ 4 iN ThE mOrNinG ~

2007-06-29T22:37:00.000+08:00

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright..

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in it's all over me
I'm lying here in the dark
I'm watching you sleep, it hurts a lot
And all I know is
You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till 4 in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don't want to lose the love I've found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don't let me down
It's not fair how you are
I can't be complete, can you give me more?
And all I know is
You got to give me everything
And nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I'm handin' in everything that I've got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till 4 in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can't escape the love
Give me everything that you have

Give you everything..
Give you all of me..

~ The Recap ~

2006-10-07T21:05:00.000+08:00

It has been 1 1/2 months full with activities, events and stories. I think I better summarize them all in one entry rather than separate them by events. Here we go..

Firstly, I attended my own celebration of achievement: my convocation on 11th of September! After 4 years of hard work and fun, I managed to achieve a second class upper degree! Congrats to myself, yeay! It was a memorable moment that I won't forget forever (the downside: it costs me a lot of money to buy souvenirs, photo and etc!) I had the chance to meet all of my frens especially the gud ones (sha, zeti, deana, fiesha, sop, and many mores), I realized how much I missed them to be around me :( I also met PK by a slim chance - he was already in the car to set off and I managed to stop him and snapped a picture with him. Hehe.. we always ym (after we left uum) but never been friends before. I like him, he's nice and cute, even my bf agreed with the compliment.. (PK, jangan perasan sangat yer!).

A week later, I was outstationed in Penang for 4 days and I had fun too.. The hotel I stayed was right in front of Soho, but I'm not a clubbing person, so tak masuk la.. My nite activities with colleagues were shopping, hehe.. (girls will always be girls!) The traveling allowances that I'd get next month will cover the cost of my shopping spree, hopefully it will :P

Right after I came back from Penang I was tired, so I slept early and I forgot to call Zul on his birthday. He was the one who called me at 12.00 am asking me to wish and sing happy birthday to him.. Poor boy.. Sorry honey I didn't mean to forget your special day, I was just so tired.. And to make it worst, I was so busy for the couple of days later and I forgot to send any special sms @ friendster testi to properly wish him happy birthday.. Siannya kat Zul, seb baik dia tak merajuk.. I thought that was the worst thing I did to him but wait a minute, there's more.. Last week he came back to Kedah and he came to see me in SP. We berbuka with thai foods, sedapnya tomyam and sotong goreng tepung (our favorites!). Nak dijadikan cerita, lepas Zul dah hantar me balik and he went back to alor star, I did realize that I didn't give him any birthday card and I even FORGOT (again) to buy one!!! I called him and he said he was waiting the whole time if I would show some signs that I would hand him any card...Ooppss...I am a bad gf (only for this year!). Luckily a month before we had an agreement to exchange birthday presents in November. Kalo tak, ntah2 dengan birthday present pun lupa.. (gotta make a reminder to get the birthday present 2 weeks earlier)

I don't know what had happened to me and somehow I feel guilty towards him. So tomorrow I'm going out to buy a birthday card, hehe.. Dah almost 3 weeks past baru nak bagi card.. Kesian Zul.. I should buy the biggest card to undo my mistake (if only mistakes can be forgiven like this?!!)

Ok, that's what had happened during the past few weeks. I might skip some of the things which are not worth to tell.. I'm gonna make up to what I did to Zul. If I were him, I must be crazily mad.. Sorry honey..

~ Pump Up The Balloon! ~

2006-08-26T22:48:00.000+08:00

Zul had shortened his holidays due to his trip to Taman Negara and I'm left unattended since last thursday. We only managed to spend some time doing shoppings together in Penang last sunday. Last night, he called me to inform he got bitten by bees during his jungle trekking, luckily it was 1-2 bees! No worry, he'll be back in one piece!

I weighed myself last night, instead of hoping to loose 4 kilos (I mentioned it in June's entry), I've actually gained another 2 kilos and that makes me 52 kg! Oh my goshhh! I did restrict myself not to eat more than I need and I was actually following a healthy diet by taking fruits as breakfast. Unfortunately, I got gastric early this month and my mom started forcing me to eat as much as I can, since then, eating has become my passion, hehe.. If I could gain 2 kilos in less than 1 month, I wonder how much I'm gonna gain in future?!! Tsskk... Tsskk.. Do call me 'pau' after this, that was what Zul called me 2 years ago when I ballooned myself from 47 kg to 55 kg!

~ Sitting On A Hot Seat ~

2006-08-25T23:30:00.001+08:00

One of my chinese colleagues asked me a tough question today. She asked why I'm not wearing tudung while other muslim women do and she expressed her opinion that muslim women look prettier without tudung. Phewwww!! What a tough question to answer because I don't want to make her misunderstood what Islam is. I, myself bukannya baik/alim sangat, so I'm afraid I'd give her the wrong perspective of it. Wanna know what's my answer?! Firstly I told her, it's not about pretty or not, it's what the religion itself requires us to do. Then I said menutup aurat (covering skins and hairs) is compulsory in our religion but I can't comment further because it's my own choice not to wear it so it'll be between me and God. Besides, I also corrected her thinking that menutup aurat is only wearing tudung, so I explained to her about the scenario of wearing tudung with short sleeves shirt and tight shirt are also wrong in the context of Islam, but once again I said it's between the person and God.. If you choose the other way it should be then you have to deal with the sequences later. Then ada la I explained skit2 lagi..Phew!! I'm not ustazah..

~ The Beginning ~

2006-08-20T19:13:00.000+08:00

I failed to update more often than I did before, so I guess I shouldn't stop promise to myself. I'm gonna update this blog whenever I feel I like it, let it be weeks, months or years, as long as it's updated from time to time.

I've been working for almost 3 months now and it was quite an experience. I'm not gonna take back what I said in previous entry, working life is still suck but I think I'm starting to get naturally immunned to it (or should I say I'm starting to enjoy it??!!). My ego healed faster than ever, there's no laziness to go to office every morning even though waking up at 8 am is still a tough thing to do, I'm not feeling sleepy for the whole days, I don't have the eagerness to leave office at 5.30 pm.. Are they signs that I'm loving my job?? I guess so, hoyeaah!! As much as I like my job, I still can't prevent any bad day to happen, but who cares! Despite of some miscommunication with 1-2 colleagues, getting nagged by my senior, the 'not-my-dreamed-salary' thoughts, etc, everything is going fine. It's the experiences that count!

~ The Next Phase Of Life ~

2006-07-28T22:45:00.000+08:00

It has been a month since the 1st day I started working and what can I comment is, this kind of life is not that easy compared to one I had while I was studying. Campus life is much more enjoyable and interesting because you can schedule your day without compromising any other things. It's not that everyday you have class at 8@9 AM and it does not take 8 hours a day to be in lecture hall. It's much more tiring to use your brain doing your work compared to use them in exams. By the time I left office at 6.30 PM, the first thing comes in my mind is dinner followed by my comfy bed! I cannot imagine how it's going to be after I got married and have children, hmmm it's going to be tough challenge I guess. Now I realize it's really hard to have my own income instead of being sponsored by parents. Besides, in office I am considered the newbie who doesn't know anything because I don't have the so-called 'experience'. After 16 years of getting ahead of everybody, scoring good grades and being amongst the top of the class, always being told that I'm good and smart, my ego has shaken a little bit. I don't mean to sing my own praises, it's just weird to be in this situation. It's really not comfortable when your colleagues keep explaining to you how to use Microsoft Word, Excel, etc despite of being told that I've already mastered the applications. I even took computer programming class and got an A for that and the last thing I want to hear is how to insert a cell in Excel! I didn't complain though, just assuming it as a revision :) I also kept my mouth shut when a mistype word in English had landed me an impression that I'm poor in that language! Haiyak.. I need to be patient, there'll be the time when I can shine again but right now I want to work hard and prove to myself and other people that I'm good. Maybe I have been in this comfort zone for too long until I forgot how to survive outside the zone. I have what it takes to be somebody who has great career with bright future lies ahead but the best is yet to come.. Time will show..

~ The Fat Me ~

2006-06-18T23:20:00.000+08:00

The ability of writing / expressing my feeling (on my blog) has started to wear off from my brain.. I've been out from dis world for almost a year now and it's hard to start all over again. Considered dat I've finished my study and now working 8 hours a day, the idea of updating my blog from day to day has become less important on my priority list. For my own sake, in other words, to maintain the fluent of my second language, I'm gonna try to be blogging-active :) Hmm.. Let's start.. I'm quite worry about my body nowadays, I've been eating everything for the past several months and the result is not as good as what I feel when eating.. I'm considering to be on diet as soon as possible so I can shed the extra kilos (4 exactly!) in 2 months. I'm gonna attend my graduation day in September with a slimmer body.. Right now I'm doing some reading in order to choose the best way to diet, but importantly not using pills! Gonna start soon, hopefully my attempt will show good results, amen!

~ Damsel in Distress ~

2006-05-19T19:48:00.000+08:00

Wow!! Suddenly I get this urge to write again.. Maybe I'm having too much going on in my head I need to let it go or maybe, I just really want to write.. It's weird because my stories are always the negative ones rather than positive or happy thoughts. I guess things that make me happy are getting fewer and fewer nowadays. I have my loved ones around me yet I'm lonely and I don't know why from day to day I'm feeling that I've become a worst person than I was before and it's not a good sign, isn't it?? I'm having problems with myself or to be exact, my inner self. Couples of years ago I found a scratch on my dad's notebook (I'm pretty sure he didn't want it to be found but I keep it silent until now) sounded "I'm lonely even though I have you and your mother.." Honestly I was pretty shocked at that time and I didn't understand why he felt that way but now I know because I'm in the same situation. I feel lonely and isolated even though I have my family and my boyfriend around me all the time.. I don't know what I want but sometime I feel like I'm hopeless and too depending on others (mmm, actually others mean my boyfriend). I don't have many friends, I mean I have some but few that I'm really connected with. I'm not picky it's just that I don't feel comfortable with someone whom I don't share anything in common. Does getting older make me feels like this?? I'm only 23 and it's considered young and healthy.. but why I've become a girl or should I say a woman or a lady succumb to her own evil inner thoughts?? I keep having thoughts that I will be left alone and feeling suspicious that my boyfriend is not in love with me anymore. I have thrown a lot of tantrums lately for no big reason.. Am I a drama queen?? erm, I prefer damsel in distress.. I want to be somebody else, somebody who has a lot of money, independent, has great career ahead, many friends and live life happily but I guess it's hard to be the exact somebody with all the characteristics..It's just impossible rite?!!!

~ Love and Hatred ~

2005-11-28T20:23:00.001+08:00

A quote said it takes a minute to haf a crush, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone, but it takes a LIFETIME to forget someone.. Yep! It's true but what if the person hurt you too deeply and made you want to forget him in any possible way?! It did happen when I broke up with my ex-bf 3 years ago. In order to forget him I forced myself to keep recalling and remembering every single bad thing he said or did to me. Even tho it seemed so harsh and cruel but the situation had left me to no choice which I gladly accepted adding to the fact dat I wanted so badly to make him go away from my mind. To no surprise, it really succeeded in some ways. Of course I can't totally erase him from my brain as to accomplish it I may need to loose my sanity but the important thing is how my mind portrays him. I no longer seeing him as the person whom I once loved but the person whom I loathe so much dat I want to kick him in the groin!! Till one point I was not able to remember any good memories wif him and to no regret I like it so much. I know it's no good to haf such a full of hatred towards someone it could haunt you for the rest of your life, but rite now my mind will absolutely backfires any attempt to accept him even as a fren. How am I going to be fren wif someone who cheated on me, called me stupid, said he was staying just because he pitied me during our last few months together, and even said to me I crashed his life?? Urghhh.. it's horrible to even typing these things. But there's one problem to dis, after all those bitter moments, painful break-up process, after-breakup arguments, he still wanna be fren wif me, he wanna stay connected to me just to tell me from time to time dat he misses me and he can't forget me. 3 years had passed and yet my world is still dawdle over him. Whenever I got one or two months quiet from him suddenly he'd send an sms, miscall or call me and it caused quite a disturbance to my life. It kept going like dat until 5 months ago where I totally put a stop to his behavior and managed to get more peaceful life. Today, we chatted thru YM and between a lot of rows we had while chatting he did tell me he has tried not to disturb me by deleting my number, my email and etc. Erm, dat's good and I hope he'll stick to dat. He always confess he still loves me as his first love.. I allow him to have dat kind of feeling towards me becoz I don't have power to make his feeling go away as long as he keeps his distance from me. If you read this Hafiz, I hope you'll note dat in mind.. Dat's all I needed for now and I'm very grateful to haf my heart opened again to Zul who mends everything and made me wanna live happily again and I can easily forget my ex-bf wif only a simple smile from a person who appreciates me.

~ Boredom ~

2005-11-27T23:05:00.001+08:00

I'm starting to haf really weird feeling staying at home for too long.. When I got the news dat I was going to do my practical training in my hometown I was so happy I could jump high in the sky. At dat time the idea of staying at home for the whole 9 months seemed like heaven becoz I'm kinda mommy's girl and I always come home every weekends or fortnightly. But now I can totally see the difference by being back from time to time or staying for a long period.. To be honest dis is the longest time I'm staying at home in 7 years!! Started to attend MRSM since I was barely 16 had kept me away from home except for the weekends and school holidays. Later I continued wif matriculation and now currently pursuing my degree which also needs me to be away from home. As long as I can remember the longest time of me being at home was only for 3 months ++ and dat was after my SPM and during my semester breaks. The first 6-months was ok, I was so busy wif my practical training and couldn't care less to think about anything else. Despite the pressure and unhappiness at my workplace I thanked God to haf my parents around me. The good feeling started to wear off after I finished my practical because I haf nothing to do, no friends around me as always and no jalan-jalan after office hours with colleagues. Being the only child in the family has worsen my situation. I got bored wif my days, I barely go out and only got sunlight thru my windows, haha!! The best time is only on weekends where I can meet Zul or my friends. Kawan pun blaja kat macam2 tempat, so lagi susah nak jumpe.. What a boring life I'm living right now! I'm so eager to go back to campus by the end of December and meet all my friends there. Even though it's so weird to do assignments again, at least I haf something to do instead of doing nothing. The best thing is my friends will be around 24 hours and I miss them so much!

~ Testing! Testing! ~

2005-11-25T22:56:00.000+08:00

Hmmm.. It took me 5 months to start blogging again, I didn't know why but I guess the old boring page had been one of the reasons. At first I thought to change the layout of my previous blog but in the end I decided a whole new blog will do (I just deleted the most active blog I ever had.. Sob.. Sob..). So here I am with a new layout which is quite simple, new url, new title, new stories and everything is new except me.. Welcome friends!!